I've been thinking a lot over the past couple of days about the formalizing of the punishments, with a view to assisting J and getting her started on a formal list to make it a little easier on her. Indeed, I actually did that today, and made some suggestions; however, it dawned on me, after reading some posts on Cathy and Scally's blog (http://the-good-dd-life.blogspot.com/), that maybe that wasn't a good thing to do.
To some extent it feels like I'm directing the punishments to suit me, and to some degree that would be hard to deny. I probably shouldn't have given count suggestions at all, because it's not really my place to be deciding any of that stuff, or placing those thoughts into J's head. In fact, I should be spanked whenever J decides I need to be spanked, and for however long J decides I need to be spanked for. There shouldn't be any hard and fast rules saying that I get 25 for this, or 30 for that, but more she should spank me until she feels that she has been heard. If that takes 1 minute, 20 strokes, 5 minutes, or even multiple sets with timeouts in-between then that's her call to make. Granted, having a more formal structure in place makes it a lot easier for her, but it should be her choice to decide if that's what she wants - not mine.
On the other side is the fact that we are new to this whole DD dynamic, for the most part. J also has other things on her mind than just worrying about sitting down and formalizing some of this stuff - even though she said she would. To that end my intention was to try and ease her burden as she adjusts to the DD dynamic (which she is doing wonderfully I may add), but I'm starting to question if that was such a good idea.
This also made me think about maintenance spankings, such that they should really be done whenever J feels the need for me to be reminded to behave. There shouldn't be a any formal schedule, but more that if J thinks it's been a while since I was last spanked, and I'm getting a little cocky or pushing boundaries, then one is probably in order. Again, the severity and length being her choice not one that I suggest.
Anyway, wasn't planning on posting again today, but that stuff just came up so I thought I would throw it out there. I'm not saying she shouldn't or can't formalize things, but I think all of the decisions related to that should really be hers. I will leave it there for now!
Hi Guys,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment on our blog.
I haven't read much of yours yet, so not sure yet where you are, but judging from this one you do seem to be grasping the most important point of: not trying to help your wife know what to do. I'm glad if we have helped with that as the result would be that you’d put a wall between you, as well as kill off the DD as bonding thing. If it helps, what may be behind you desire to help plan etc (apart from is being fun) is that you probably want to feel it is real and you can depend on your wife not stopping or forgetting about it etc. You also probably want to know what to expect. A big part of DD is the security men get it from knowing it is real, plus we also need it to be consistent for it to work. But despite those truths neither of them are a reality. Wives don’t always want to be strict, or in charge or the authority. They’re not parents. It is always going to be a dance that comes and goes and I'd say don’t make the mistake of expecting or needing it to be otherwise. You will feel let down sometimes; she will feel too tired or not willing sometimes. She'll still need you to be boss sometimes too. What DD is, is knowing your wife knows she has more power and direct influence over you WHEN SHE WANTS IT, than other wives do. Not that she has become 'mom'. If you need the fear of the threat of discipline to avoid a behaviour, work on the basis of: ‘If I do this, I might get spanked’. Not ‘…I will get spanked’.
The other thing I wanted to just quickly say is that I read your first 2 posts and re the second one about being in a Box is spot on. You're right, DD in your marriage is in a box; your box and no one else’s. No one can or should tell you what to you must do or how it must be. In fact it is the tendency of people to dictate that is why Cathy rarely reads other people’s blogs or talk to other DD wives. She got very fed up with being told how to do it. She has her own way – and whether is it right, or works, or is this or that is not unimportant – what matters is that it is done her way, and that I am ok with it. Only those two things matter. Good luck!! :)
Tim
That's an awesome comment Tim, thank you. J is really on top of things at the moment, so I do tend to think along the lines of: if I do this then I'll probably get spanked. In most cases, that has been enough to prevent me doing whatever it was that I shouldn't.
ReplyDeleteWhat worried me initially was that I would 'brat' or try and provoke a spanking out of her, but she learnt right from the start to make the punishments very real, and very painful. Honestly, I don't want a punishment spanking, which is how it should be, but I will always submit to one if she thinks I deserve one.
I'll keep watching your blog, because your dynamic between the two of you seems to correlate fairly closely to our - which in itself is strangely reassuring! Look forward to reading more from the both of you.