As much as it pains me to admit it, honesty and integrity are not my strongest suits – more so when it comes to stupid stuff. Having said that, I’ve seen a distinct improvement in this area, and there has definitely been some personal growth since J came onboard with the DD regime; furthermore, I now seem to experience a weird side effect, and one that I haven’t experienced much of in the past – that being guilt.
In the past I rarely felt much guilt as a consequence of my actions, mainly because I was able to convince and delude myself into transferring blame to the other party. Now things seem to be different, because J is keeping me accountable for my actions, so that mental defense mechanism is no longer viable.
Much to my surprise, this has also led me to feeling guilty about things that I haven’t been caught for, which is a unique and fairly distressing feeling to say the least; furthermore, to some extent, it almost feels like a punishment in itself.
Which leads into the subject of honesty and integrity once more, a topic that seems to be cropping up fairly regularly these days, and one that I could really use some personal growth in - although I will admit that I’m better than I used to be a month ago; however, it’s fairly clear to me now that when I experience feelings of guilt, then I know that I’ve probably done something wrong. That’s where integrity comes into play, and should really be accompanied by honesty by confessing to J what I’ve done so she can determine if I need a punishment or not; however, it’s the confession side (and therefore the honesty) where I seem to have a problem, because even though I feel guilty for not getting caught I find myself unwilling to confess.
A month or so ago I will admit to not having much fear about receiving a spanking from J, but in the past month (even though she has only administered four or five punishment spankings) she has become very adept and skilled in her delivery. I think my behavior over the past three weeks, which hasn’t resulted in a single punishment spanking, is a testament to how much respect and fear I have over her improvement in this area.
Granted, nothing that I’ve done has really been that bad (although that’s something that J should judge) over the past three weeks, and there's really only two incidents that come to mind.
I have a nasty habit of picking at my feet, which J finds really gross and has expressed the desire for me to stop. Unfortunately, out of habit more than anything I’ve still been picking, but not to the extent that I have done before. J did inspect my feet the other day, and she gave me a pass even though I thought for sure I was caught.
The other incident, and probably the more serious of the two, involved checking out other women. I think I only got away with that because J was too busy looking at her iPad to notice. Both incidents induced feelings of guilt, but instead of manning up and confessing to J I stayed quiet. The interesting thing here is that the guilt is eating away at me, and I honestly don’t know what's worse – confessing and getting a possible spanking, or keeping it to myself and feeling waves of mental anguish. To some extent I now understand why some criminals confess to the police, because it’s not a nice feeling carrying all that guilt.
I don’t know what J will decide to do based on this minor confession, because it hasn’t come up before. I don’t know if she will exercise leniency because I confessed or not, and that’s really for her to decide. The feeling of guilt has to some extent been lifted by posting this, but has been replaced by a gut wrenching set of butterflies in the pit of my stomach – integrity and honesty sucks! The only thing that I know for sure, I need to confess more willingly in the future.