Red Light, or Green Light?

Wasn't really planning on writing an entry today, because nothing has really happened since last night - well nothing of any real significance anyway; however, J did ask me to bend over so she could inspect her handywork from last night, and then made an interesting comment. I can't remember the exact wording, but it went along the lines of: I guess I shouldn't judge the severity of the spanking based on your reaction / cries of pain. Based on what I could see I saw some superficial bruising, but I wouldn't call it major, and to be honest I felt last weeks maintenance caning a lot more in the days following in comparrison.

This raises an interesting point about judging the severity, and judging the length of the spanking. An area that I think J is trying to get to grips with at the moment. Now, given that we're talking about DD punishment spankings here, and not the more pleasant erotic ones, the whole idea surrounding the spanking is to make sure that it entices the receiver to correct some form of unwanted behavior / bad habit; therefore, at least in my opinion, you want a spanking thats severe enough to reinforce that correction for at least a couple of days after. In my case, and this may not be the same for others, but there probably needs to be some bruising, and/or a spanking of sufficient duration to act as a sufficient deterrent - one that I would not want repeated anytime soon. Granted a longer duration spanking and bruises are most likely to go together hand in hand, but as we saw from the caning last week long duration isn't always a requirement. To some extent the logical conclusion here is that the implement determines the level of bruising, but I'm not convinced that that's necessarily true. I'm sure if J had increased the force of delivery with that paddle my butt would probably be black and blue, so in part I think it also comes down to technique and the method of delivery. On saying that, to some extent you also have to take into account accuracy verses force, because the harder and faster the swats are delivered the less accurate they could be. So maybe there's a happy balance, or just an issue of practice at play here. To that end, maybe such spankings warrant the use of multiple instruments of fiery butt destruction to get the desired effect, because each brings different qualities to the table.

All of what I just said above is probably the case for behavior and motivational spankings, but I'm not really sure when it comes to a warning/maintenance spanking. Yes, the maintenance spanking needs to be of sufficient severity to deter non-compliance, but if it were the same severity as the behavior / motivational spankings could their effectiveness be diminished? Not sure I know the answer to that one myself at the moment, and it's one that I will give some more thought to.

In terms of spanking duration, then I think the last thing J needs to be gauging that on is my cries of pain / complaint. What I love so much about J is that she's one of the most caring and compassionate people that I've ever know, but to some degree that is causing her to possibly be a little too lenient. Her natural ability to empathize with me is, by the seems of things, causing her to misjudge when the spanking is sufficient in severity. Again, I think this is just a case of inexperience, and will rectify itself pretty quickly. To that end, I think it will just come down to J taking note of what implements leave what marks, how hard she needs to apply them, and what overall end results they generate.

Got Off Lightly This Time!

Well, as expected J decided that a small motivation spanking was in order, and I think I actually got off quite lightly under the circumstances - more so because I had anticipated it being more severe, not that I'm going to complain, especially with a maintenance spanking coming up on Thursday.

To J's credit,  her positioning of me, and her paddle technique is definitely improving; however, had I been in her shoes, given the amount of time wasted this week, the choice of not doing the yard work, as well as the confessed behavior issues this week, then I would have made sure that my bare butt got roasted with not only the paddle, but also the cane; furthermore, I would have left no doubt that my butt would be well and truly bruised tomorrow.

I'm still proud of her though, she took up the initiative to spank me when she could have just fobbed it off and gone to bed, because I know she's tired. It's hard to tell, but I think she's beginning to see the benefits of this DD relationship structure outweighing the disadvantages. At least I hope that's the case, and I realize that it's early days. She's doing a grand job of sliding into her role as my disciplinarian, and I'm sure she's feeling me out on this new road that we've begun to head down.

I did have thoughts about burning that paddle though, that thing is plain out mean. I think I can honestly say that I think I prefer the cane over the paddle, in fact I think I would prefer anything over that paddle - the irony being that I made it, so that stupid ass mistake came back to bite me in the ass! I know that we used to have a strap, but I don't have any real recollection of that experience. I did test out J's wooden hairbrush with an experimental whack on my ass, and I have a horrible suspicion that it could very well be worse than the paddle, because the head of the brush is a bit smaller, and would probably result in faster and more accurate swats that are more concentrated on impact. I've never been spanked with a belt, but from what I can gather that's also meant to be fairly intense, and for some stupid reason I seem to remain curious about that one.

I will admit that part of me wants to increase J's toy box, because I actually enjoy making implements of butt destruction, and I seem to have a knack for creating very nice paddles. I've always loved to sexiness of floggers, but I've never really done any crafting along that line - especially where leather is concerned, but that is definitely an implement that I would really like to try making at some point.

A Question Of Principle And Honesty!

Well today provided me with additional proof, not that I really needed it, that I work best when I'm under pressure. Having slacked off for most of the week, I knuckled down today and actually met my agreed upon deadline for words on a page by the end of the week. Granted it took me pretty much all of the day to get the chapter complete, but it's far better than looking at a blank page when 5pm rolls by. That really just leaves the issue of the yard work, which I know really needs doing, but in all honesty I have zero motivation to do; however, if by some miracle I complete that, or make some headway on it then that will mean that I managed, by the skin of my teeth, to finish my assigned chores and tasks for the week. Which in theory clears me from receiving a maintenance spanking, or does it?

The problem is that I know, and I suspect J does too, that in terms of meeting  my agreed upon productive count isn't really the issue. The real issue surrounding that task is the perpetual time wasting, which could be used a lot more effectively. Frittering away time early in the week, only to push out the word count at the last moment,  actually tells me two things. First, I'm still wasting way too much time. Second, and I'm very wary of saying this, but it's possible that I've set the bar too low, and it needs to be raised. It's a double edged sword, because on one hand I seem to work very well under pressure (in this case the threat of a severe spanking from J), but on the other hand if I have a genuine block, then no matter how hard I try it may not be possible for me to meet my target even if I wanted to. So what's the answer?

As I've already stated, the key issue that's really under discussion here is time wasting, and I will admit to being guilty of that offense on more than a couple of occasions this week. So I'm pretty sure a spanking is coming my way tomorrow, regardless of the yard work being competed or not, and as much as it pains me to say it, I probably deserve one. Next to failing to exercise and eating right, wasting time is probably the next offense in line in terms of seriousness. Part of me wants J to go easier on me for completing the other tasks, but honestly I don't think that sets a very good precedence. Having said that, that's really up to J, and how serious she views the problem. I also know that my maintenance / preemptive beach spanking is due on Thursday (one that I'm sure J will want to make a serious impression with) so that makes me a little nervous, but if I end up with a severe spanking tomorrow then I really only have myself to blame. Nobody forced me to waste all of that time!

Behavior wise, I think I've done better than I had expected that I would this week, not that such a statement is one that I'm really proud of, because it shouldn't be an issue in the first place. J did say she got irritated with me the other night, for reasons that I won't go into here, but I think she was irritated enough to probably warrant some form of immediate correction. What surprised me though  was that she didn't tell me to get the hairbrush, so the incident went unpunished. Granted it was late at night, but she should have probably sent me to fetch her hairbrush as a quick reminder - even if it was for a few quick strokes. Anyway, The reason for mentioning that is to really just to reiterate to J that I've given her an effective tool for dealing with irritating behavior, but If she chooses not to use it then there's not much I can do. I also just wanted to take the opportunity to tell J that I love her so much, trust her judgment implicitly (even when I might not like it), and consent one hundred percent to any corporal punishment  - severe or otherwise - that she feels is appropriate at any time.

In terms of a weekly confession, and in the interest of complete honesty:

• I did waste some time this week watching porn, something I need to stop doing.
• My bad language, while better, still saw a couple of slip ups.
• I also caught myself picking at my feet yesterday, more so out of habit, but I didn't catch myself in time.

The Bells Are Ringing!

Must admit, I'm starting to get a little bit worried that my hiney is heading for a pretty severe motivation spanking this week, because not only am I struggling to get words on paper, but I'm having a hard time getting motivated to deal with the weeds in the yard. So in that respect the alarm bells are ringing! On the plus side, I've been exercising, eating healthier, and got the additional tasks J set done. However, when J and I discussed motivation yesterday, she asked me if I thought that she needed to be tougher and stricter on me, and being the idiot that I am I said she probably does - arghhh me and my big mouth. Furthermore, at the time of that conversation I was feeling pretty confident that I could scamble and get myself back on track where the writing was concerned, but now I'm not so sure. Over confidence will bite you in the ass everytime - literally!

What gets me the most though is that I really love writing, and I want to write, but I'm really struggling to get a more detailed plot down on paper. In short, my story seems to be stalling, and I'm not sure how to get it going again. Maybe this is the writers block that I keep hearing authors talking about. That in itself isn't so bad, but the real problem is that as I blank out I get distracted, and the next thing I know I've wasted an hour or two surfing the web. I think J would be understanding of the block, but it's the time wasting that follows which is the issue here.

Anyway, Part of me is really tempted to start over, dump the couple of starting chapters that I wrote a while back, and start clean. The problem with that is that I like the first chapter, and I can visualize the end, but it's the really big bit in the middle that's the problem! Hang on a second, something just struck me - maybe, while I like the starting chapter, I don't like the direction that it takes the story, and the main character. Woohoo, minor breakthrough there, because I hadn't really thought about that until just now!

I guess if writing was that easy more people would do it; however, I know deep down that I can write, I have a pretty good grasp of story structure, and I know I'm capable of writing this damn novel. So what's going on? Is it work ethic or poor self discipline that's enticing me to distraction when I hit a block? Not completely sure, but I would lay down money against it being connected to bad habits more than anything else. I'm so used to wasting time, especially when I know I should be doing other stuff, that it's just second nature when things get tough or I hit a road block. It's not until I find my back against the wall that I end up getting motivated to get done what needs doing! There again, that's probably the point of the motivational spankings - to provide a painful consequence so that I'll be more motivated to push past the blocks, and not be tempted to fall back into bad habits where I make the choice to waste time.

On a positive note, luckily my behavior seems to have been fine, because she hasn't called me out on any rude or disrespectful behavior. There's been no instances of lying that I'm aware of, and I've only caught myself swearing a couple of times, but I think they slipped past J - either that or she has gotten so used to hearing it that it didn't register. I just need to try harder in that area, and for the most part I've been good. The point being that I was convinced my butt would be black and blue by now due to bad / disrespectful behavior, and I can only conclude that the threat of a spanking hanging over me is having some good positive affect.

A Question Of Severity

I had the intention, with an hour to go before supper time, of looking at my novel and trying to bash out some words, but a question suddenly struck me – so, being the idiot I am, I decided to write this blog post instead. 

Not that I have any real say in the matter, but I was just wondering how J will determine the severity/duration of the motivation spankings. I mean there are a number of tasks/chores on my list to be completed each week, and I think some are more important that others. Granted, they are all important, but weeding the borders, or cutting the grass, is far less important than say for example eating healthy and exercising. Is the spanking going to be the same regardless of how many or how few things on the list I complete?

The reason that I’m asking is pretty simple, lets say for sake of argument that I can’t be bothered to cut the grass this week; therefore, I know and accept the fact that I will be getting a motivational spanking. What then stops me from saying, ok, I know I’m getting a spanking, so where’s my motivation to complete any of the other tasks on the list for that week. We haven't gotten to that stage yet, and its something that we haven't really talked about, but it strikes me that it might be a good idea to get this point cleared up. That way we both know where we stand on this issue.

Obviously, this is really going to be up to J, but the only thing that immediately comes to mind where this question is concerned is to give each task specific weighting. For example, not exercising incurs X number of strokes, or X number of seconds to the timer with a specific instrument of doom. If the same task isn’t completed the following week then the weighting could double, that way it removes the temptation to ignore the lesser weighted tasks on the list. Don’t know, just a suggestion to get J thinking.

Not sure what would be more effective, using a set number of strokes, or a set amount of time – guess that’s not really my problem!

For The Greater Good

This morning really convinced me that I need the weekly motivational spankings continually hanging over my head, which threaten to rain down fiery destruction onto my cute butt if I slip back into my lazy ways. What convinced me? Well, for the first time in long while I actually exercised, and quite honestly I didn't really enjoy it - probably more so because I'm just so out of shape. It was after exercising that I knew if the motivational spankings weren't hanging over me, I would most likely find some excuse not to continue. The same is probably going to be true, in fact there's no probably about it, when I settle into eating a more balanced and calorie controlled diet.

Given that we didn't put my motivational task list in place until late Tuesday night, my thought process immediately began trying to concoct excuses to wheedle myself out of tasks or reduce certain requirements, because I had already lost two or three days from that week. So instead of exercising at least three times a week, I bargained that down to two. Same with my writing, I wanted a word count reduction to take into account that I had already lost a day; furthermore, I didn't have enough time yesterday to make my word count, because it took so long to generate my new meal/diet plan, and do all of my other activities. Sounds reasonable, so what's the problem? The problem is twofold, first, it sets a precedent right at the start that I can bargain and excuse my way out of things when obstacles stand in my way. Second, and I'm a little wary of saying this, but I know how to manipulate J into doing things that suit me the best; furthermore, because J is also such a caring and compassionate person I know that it's in her nature to be more lenient than she probably should be in a lot of cases. Depending on ones viewpoint, such leniency could be viewed as a good thing, but as much as I hate to say it I would probably benefit more from some tough love.

In short, I really have no excuse for not completing any of the tasks this week, or any other week. If I delude myself, or make an excuse for not getting something done that's on her list, then I really do deserve what's coming to me - especially when I have the amount of freedom that I do with my time, it boils down to not wasting time, and proper time management. This week should be no exception, and if it results in a spanking then it's my own fault, and nobody is to blame but myself. The fact that I'm behind on my word count is my own doing, after all, I seem to find the time to write this blog!

Irony At It’s Finest!

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself this afternoon, because deep down I've wanted some form of DD lifestyle with J for a very long time. So here I am, J finally appears to be onboard - she's already set a maintenance/preemptive spanking for next Friday, so what's so funny and ironic? Well, the irony is that after wanting J to spanking me and take me in hand for so long, I now find myself scrambling to get all of my chores, and agreed upon tasks, done so as to NOT get a spanking. I think her maintenance spanking the other night really made more of an impression than I was expecting, and I guess that's a testament to J. Granted, she still could use a little more practice, but I don't think it will be long before she has the implements at her disposal mastered - and I'm sure those practice opportunities will present themselves at a fairly regular interval.

I'm definitely intrigued to see where this takes us, both individually and as a couple. I know some of my behaviors in the past, which pushed all her buttons, have left her feeling very frustrated and angry. What makes those situations worse is that I go on the mental defensive, and convince myself that she's just being too sensitive, or has no sense of humor. At that point I invariably withdraw, and she's left to deal with my silent treatment. So, to some degree, not only is she the victim, but she is also the one that get's placed into a situation where she is also mentally punished for my bad behavior - talk about adding insult to injury! Even I can see that that's not fair, and quite honestly I'm surprised that she hasn't slugged me or stabbed me in the past; however, something tells me that that's just not going to fly anymore. If I upset, disrespect, or push her buttons in the future, she now has a very powerful set of tools at her disposal that she hasn't previously had access to before. Ones that will, without a shadow of a doubt, grab my attention and not allow me to get away with any bad behavior with such flippant disregard for J's feelings. Quite frankly, I would imagine that's going to be a very potent, and somewhat empowering, feeling for her when the time comes. I also think that such recourse on her part will easily break through my mental defenses, and really register that it was me that was most definitely in the wrong; consequently, an apology can be issued and we can get on with our lives, instead of playing childish games that can last days, which invariably make us both equally miserable.

Incoming!

So, it begins!

In a week or so we're heading to the beach to spend some quality time with J's family, which is a minefield of behavior problems just waiting to blow up in my face; consequently, J informed me tonight that I will be getting a maintenance / warning spanking the night before we leave, so as to remind me to behave for the duration of the trip. I was actually semi-expecting that, but having it confirmed without a shadow of a doubt has already triggered a defensive thought process. One that wants to protect my butt from any form of punishment for the next week or so, because something tells me she is going to make sure it's an extremely effective and painful warning. J gets stressed enough around family, not to mention the long drive, as well as various other issues without having to also deal with any of my crap - her words, not mine! In short, I think it's in my best interest to maintain my best behavior - the worst part is that the closer that spanking gets, the more critical butt protection becomes, as it will be bad enough as it is without adding onto any other existing bruises.

I can definitely vouch for the fact that J is really getting behind this DD, as we hashed out an initial draft of a spanking contract. This wasn't something that I originally planned to do, but when we discussed it we both felt that it was better for me to know what was expected in no uncertain terms. The first draft is shown at the bottom of this post, and is broken into three separate sections: a weekly task/motivation list, a maintenance agreement, and a behavior agreement. The later of the two J has said she will give some thought too over the next couple of days.

The weekly task/motivation section lists things that we both thought were reasonable in terms of a things that I need to have completed by the end of each week, and failure to complete things on the list would result in some form of motivational spanking to set me back on track the following week. The list is actually very reasonable, and even I will admit that there should be no reason that I cannot complete them each week, and the incentive is now in place unless I want to deal with a very painful consequence. On saying that, and given that the list is very doable, that will probably mean J’s motivation spankings will be far from lenient. The only real variable on that list comes at the bottom, where J has the option to add additional tasks that I need to also complete in a given period of time – those could be one off tasks for the week, reoccurring weekly tasks, or tasks that need to be completed by a certain date, week, or month.

I know those who don't understand DD will think I'm completely crazy for even wanting to set this train in motion, but as sad as it is I honestly feel this is what it will take to make the necessary changes in my life. I wish I didn't procrastinate so much, or be as lazy as I am, or have better impulse control, because then maybe I wouldn't need such an extreme form of punishment and consequence hanging continually over my head. The thing is I do need that extreme form of motivation. I'm not proud of it, but at least I have the courage and ability to admit that to myself, and more importantly to the woman I love; furthermore, I feel so lucky and blessed to have such an amazing compassionate and caring wife – one that’s willing to take me in hand so that I can become a better person.

The Spanking Contract – Initial Draft

Weekly Reoccurring Task List

Failure to complete these reoccurring tasks to J's satisfaction, and at J's discretion, will result in a motivational spanking - severity and duration to be determined by J, with no argument or excuses.

• Exercise at least 3 times a week.
• Maintain a calorie appropriate diet, with one free day (within reason) - Includes making smart choices when eating out.
• Keep the kitchen clean at the end of each day, unless a pass is given.
• All laundry must be done by the end of Saturday evening.
• Keep the grass cut to a reasonable level.
• Keep the brambles, weeds, and borders under control.
• Do the school run at least twice a week.
• Write at least 500 words M-F of commercially viable work, so 2500 words minimum are required to be presented to J as proof by Friday evening
• Any specific additional tasks set by J for that week, e.g. clean toilets. Putting something on ‘the list’ is NOT a viable excuse anymore. These tasks, at J's discretion, may or may not be one off tasks, periodical (like every month), or even weekly.

Maintenance / Warning Spankings

To be determined by J, again severity and duration at J's discretion. I will submit to a maintenance or preemptive warning spanking without question at J's whenever J feels it's necessary.

Behavior / Punishment Spankings

Zero tolerance policy should be in effect, but punishments given at  J's discretion. Again, severity and duration to be determined by J, with no argument or excuses.

• - No disrespectful behavior, that includes towards J, any family member, or any stranger. It's unnecessary and make me look like am ass! -- J's definition of disrespectful behavior to be determined.
• No lying
• Be more considerate of other peoples needs, not just my own.
  
  

Nervous Ramblings

I wasn’t going to put up another post today - two was all I had originally planned - but the reality and potential enormity of what I’m asking J to do as my disciplinarian really starting to sink in a few minutes ago. This isn’t some once in a while playful spanking sex session that we’re looking at anymore, but a move in a potentially life changing direction – which if I’m completely honest,  could very well be a move in a very beneficial and positive direction. So why so nervous – erm, because novelty becomes reality very quickly, and reality at the end of a paddle and cane hurts, a lot! If I’m truthful, the internal voices are beginning to panic a little, and more so after the last two posts.

If J picks up the gauntlet where the motivational help is required, and based on what I wrote it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she did, then that’s going to lead into some very drastic and immediate life changes – granted, they will be highly beneficial changes, but excuses no longer become a viable escape. Instead the real painful consequence of J’s discipline potentially awaits me, and that’s where I get nervous. Granted, it’s good that I ‘m feeling a healthy and natural fear of J’s potential discipline, and I want to change, I really do, I need to change, but I foresee a lot of painful lessons in my immediate future. Part of me worries if J will be empowered and strong enough to follow through with the spankings that I need, and another part wonders if I can take the punishments that I need.

My initial reaction, before sitting down to write this entry was to take down the previous two posts, but I know that I would only be cheating myself if I did that – as crazy as that sounds. Which leaves me with the conclusion that I need what's coming to me, even though I don’t want what's coming to me. From a DD point of view, that’s probably exactly where I need to be, and it shows me that I’ve definitely transitioned away from the thrill seeking, sexually motivated urge to be spanked – which is where I was a while back. As I said in an earlier post, be careful what you ask for, because you might just get it – and a lot more than you initially bargained for to boot!

The Line In The Sand

Must admit that things are looking very good right now, in as much as I mustered the courage to point J at the blog, and it has been very well received by her. This just reinforces the notion that communication in relationships is key, like duh, who would have thunk it. By finally admitting to both myself and J the truth about why I feel the need to be spanked and disciplined by her, and how it could not only potentially benefit me, but more importantly her, as well as our marriage as a whole, she's appears to be totally onboard right now – especially as she has seen a positive effect from the last dose of punishment that was dished out. Part of me wants to jump with joy, the other part of me wonders if it was a good idea to wake the sleeping lion.

The next logical step down the Domestic Discipline (DD) highway is probably to establish some house rules, and this isn’t really something that J and I have really talked about so far; however, given J’s newly found appreciation for the benefits that corporal punishment seems to have upon my attitudes and behaviors, discussing a preliminary set of behavior/house rules seems appropriate. That way I have no excuse when I get called out. Again, this feels like something that I need to defer to J, but I’m wary of placing too much on her given that she’s still adjusting to this new dynamic. So, I’ll take the initiative and get a basic list started, and one that she can add to and amend over time.

• No disrespectful behavior towards her, family, or anybody else – no excuses.
• No lying – including silly white lies.
• Be considerate of others, because it’s not all about me!

That’s it? It’s a short list isn’t it, but when you consider the meaning of the word ‘disrespectful’ the short list really isn’t that short, because disrespectful behavior encompasses many facets – such as being rude, discourteous, offensive, use of foul language, bad-mannered, insolent, and insulting behaviors to name but a few. It’s actually a very good rule, as far as rules go, because disrespect is in the eye of the holder, and in this case that beholder is J. It doesn’t matter what I view disrespectful behavior to be, what's important here is what J defines disrespectful behavior to be – further more I making a commitment to abide by her definition, and not mine. No lying is an obvious one, and really goes without saying. I’m not proud of this, but I have a tendency to tell a lot of white lies to make myself feel more important than I really am. It’s not a pleasant and desirable trait, and it’s one that needs to be addressed – something I think J is more than happy to assist with. As for the final item, I can also be a self-serving asshole, where I will only take into consideration my feelings, and what I want to do, and consider how it will affect me. Again, not a pleasant characteristic, and one that I don’t like about myself.

As to the severity of each offence, I leave that entirely to J to decide. Obviously some things will be more important to her than others, and I guess it will also depend on how badly I mess up – for example, drinking from the milk carton isn’t anywhere near as bad as disrespecting her directly by making her feel useless and stupid.

Motivation And A Guiding Hand

Closely connected to ‘the rules,’ is what I can only refer to as a request for motivational guidance, specifically in areas of my life that I choose to ignore because I’m either being plain lazy, or I just don’t want to deal with them – which to some extent could fall under the final rule listed above.

Given our current situation, there’s no excuse for the amount of time that I waste each and everyday, and it really boils down to me procrastinating and being lazy. I keep telling myself that I will change, or I’ll put it on the list, or that I’ll start next week, but guess what, next week arrives and the same excuses are right there. In part this comes down to my ability to be able to delude myself into accepting the excuses as being valid, but clearly they aren’t. This is a list of things that I should be doing, but I’m not:

• Top of the list has to be exercising. My blood pressure is high, even though I ‘m on medication, I’m carrying more weight than I should be – it’s stupid and dangerous, and I don’t know why I can’t motivate myself on that fact alone, well that’s not true, I’m lazy!
• Closely related to the one above is that I’m not eating healthy, and it’s not fair on either one of us for a number of reasons given our current circumstances.
• I need to do something more productive with my time, other than just wasting it. I waste more time than I should by browsing the internet (especially where porn is concerned), playing too many games, and just not really being as productive as I could be by any stretch of the imagination. It’s clear that I really enjoy writing, so it would make sense to pick up writing that novel that I started, but be a lot more consistent with getting a specific word count on paper on a regular basis – like Monday to Friday.
• I need to stop putting off chores that you ask me to do, by relegating them to ‘the list’. To some extent, that could be construed as disrespectful behavior, but there is a definite lazy and selfish self-centered factor at work there.

I guess that’s my cry for help. How or if you choose to deal with any of that I will leave entirely to your judgment, because I trust you to be firm but fair.

The Proof Is In The Pudding

Even I will admit that spanking isn't right for everbody, in reference to one given at a punishment and disciplinary level, and the effect that it has on me and my behaviour is probably unique only to me - especially when we start looking at the effects at a mental and emotional level; however, it begs the question: does it really work? Again, it's such a simple question, and one that really has to be answered for ones self. Based on my initial taste of a caning/cropping given as a pre-emptive warning on Friday night, I think I can say in all honesty that it works for me - and a little more than I had originally expected it to. Not only does it provide a difinitive and very real painful consequence for my obnoxious behavior, but if done right the bruises seem to serve as a reinforcing reminder on the days that follow. This I can vouch for, because as I sit here writing this I can still feel some of the bruises when the cane was forcefully, and lovingly applied to my derriere. Suffice to say, I've found myself actually thinking before acting this weekend, because the last thing that I want (especially now J has seen that video I embedded earlier) is to be spanked on an already bruised butt! Even I'm smart enough to know that a paddling or caning on an already bruised ass would make a painful experience even worse, and quite honestly I want no part of that!

Has this made me a better husband? For this weekend it certainly has, and I think J's weekend has been a lot more pleasant because of it; furthermore, I don't plan on embarrasing her in public any time soon either. So in my book, it did exactly what it was intended to do, with additional perks and benefits attached for J in terms of me being on my best behaviour. Does it mean that I won't slip up at some point in the future, and do something that will embarrass her in public? I would highly doubt it, but you can bet you last dollar that if I'm ever stupid enough to do that, then my ass will incur enough wrath to ensure that I don't do it again for a very long time.

Which I think brings up another interesting and important question: Is there any merit in ‘maintenance’ spankings? Personally, as much as I hate to say this, based on the effects of the preemptive caning that was dished out last week, and the effect that it had upon me all weekend then there does seem to be some merit to such an act of discipline, both mentally and physically. Do I want to receive regular maintenance spankings? Absolutely not, but if I’m brutally honest with myself, then I can see the benefits that they potentially bring – such as keeping me in line, and acting as a constant reinforcing reminder that punishment spankings suck (no kidding Sherlock), but it’s amazing how fast we forget.

The question which naturally follows on from that, and one that I really don’t want to answer, is: If maintenance spankings are warranted, then how frequently should they be applied? Obviously, as the word maintenance implies, it should be one that’s applied at regular intervals. When you maintain your car (in theory) one does so at regular intervals. It’s at this point that I find that I once more have the Angel and the Devil sitting upon my shoulders offering me words of wisdom. On one hand the voice is saying that it should be pretty regular, because odds are all of the borderline behavior that I got away with deserves some kind of recourse, that and I’m prone to acting out just to push J’s buttons – a behavior that needs to change. The other voice is saying, yeah that’s great, you shouldn’t be able to get away with borderline behavior, and you probably need something to prevent you from acting out, but what if you screwed up and had an bruised butt from a punishment spanking already – then the maintenance spanking would royally suck, and you don’t want any part of that, so it’s probably safer to offer up a longer period between them; hey, how about every six months!

As much as I like the second voice, the reality is that they probably need to be more frequent; however, the question remains how frequent? According to various medical sources, it appears that a bruise normally takes about two weeks to fade away – whether that’s the case for everybody, or whether it varies from person to person, I have no idea. It stands to reason that given the current bruise on my butt is pretty much keeping me in line, that a maintenance spanking should be dished out at least every two weeks. Having said all of that, this isn’t a choice that I should be making, because it’s really up to J to decide on what she feels is best – both for her, as well as for me. So I guess I will have to defer this over to J, and if she decides it needs to be weekly at first while boundaries and expectations are firmly established, then so be it. Same goes for the severity, both are things that should be completely out of my control, and decisions of J’s that I need to respect and comply with.

The Million Dollar Question

Many don't understand it, and I know J certainly doesn't understand it - why does a grown man want to be spanked by his wife? Again, it's not really an easy question to answer, and it's one that I've tried to answer as much for myself as well as for J over the years. On saying that, there are a number of conclusions that I've finally come to, to the point that I'm pretty much at peace with being able to answer that question for myself. I don't think that there is a universal answer thats the same for each individual, so this isn't in any way shape or form an attempt to reveal the mysteries of the universe where spanking is concerned; however, it's the answer that I can accept, and best explains my desire to be spanked by the woman I love most in the whole world.

I'm sure there are a lot of people that will disagree with me on this point, but I really do think that there is some link to genetics. I won't go into details, but there is a history of spanking in our family. Granted I'm no genetic scientist, but from what I have studied there seems to be a definitive connection between genes, DNA, and traits. I would therefore conclude, that to some degree, that I was born with this disposition towards wanting to spank/be spanked. However, this is just a theory, and I have no concrete proof either for or against such a hypothesis - but for me personally, it helps me to accept that I am the way that I am. Other people may not like it, or even understand it, but at the most basic level, and at the very heart of the question, it's my genes and DNA that help define who I am as an individual. I think for that reason alone, that’s really why it's so hard to answer the question with any concrete definitive reasoning. Sure you could say that you like being spanked, because you like the pain, or the humiliation, or any other number of reasons, but it still comes back to – but, why do you like that? You could still reasons that like being spanked, because you like the pain, and it may sound like a good answer that satisfies you, but it still doesn’t answer why you like pain? At some level it has to boil down to something biological. Some things may never be truly explained.

So, getting away from the philosophical viewpoint, I'm left with a base answer that I'm really at peace with, and can accept as the root cause for my masochistic tendencies. The problem is that this answer, while it satisfies me, is rarely sufficient to convince somebody that has absolutely no desire whatsoever to be spanked - which in most cases is likely to be your significant other. It's at that point that one has to start contemplating the more psychological and emotional reasons for wanting to subject ones cute hiney, cute being highly subjective, to such voluntarily torturous abuse.

Again, this is an area that I've spent a very long time contemplating over the years, and quite honestly it wasn't until I was able to separate the difference emotionally between a punishment spanking, and a more erotic spanking, that I was able to make any real headway. Sure, I got real good at deluding myself with all manner of reasons, most of which I masked behind a very superficial veil of sexual gratification, but it really goes far deeper than that - at least for me. The key, for me at least, was that I hadn't identified the fact that there are two very distinct and separate types of spanking activity. This may not be the same for anybody else, but that's how it is for me, and this is far from ground breaking news for the majority of those people who like to be spanked; however, I have always had the mentality that the two were combined as one and the same - when in fact, where I'm concerned, they are indeed two very different beasts. Granted some of the emotional and physical reasons overlap for desiring each type of spanking, but there are also key differences that I needed to understood if I was to stand any real chance of trying to explain my desire to be spanked to J. In my mind, that one key point alone has probably been one of the primary reasons, not the sole reason, why all of my past attempts at getting J onboard my spanking wagon has resulted in multiple train wrecks.

Again, my psychological and emotional reasons for wanting to be spanked by J are not going to be the same for everybody, but there may be commonalities when compared to other spankees; however, it's now very clear to me that until you can be brutally honest with yourself and your significant other, you'll never fully answer this question with any level of real clarity. I’ll save my reasons connected to erotic spankings for another post, right now I’ll deal with the more pressing issue of punishment spankings.

Reasons Why I Want/Need/Desire Punishment Spankings

• I honestly have little to no impulse control, but the threat of a painful spanking being held over my head provides me with a very real, and very painful consequence.
• Given past relationships, especially during my teen years, I’ve built up a very good toolbox of mental defenses; consequently, this means that my coping mechanism when somebody gets upset with me, because I’m being disrespectful or a general asshole, is that I can delude myself into thinking that the problem is with them and not me. It’s them that are being too sensitive, or they are being the asshole, or they have no sense of humor. The problem here is that when it’s tied to the previous point made above I’m able to mentally insulate myself and from feeling responsible, and in my mind there’s no real consequence; yet the people around me get hurt and offended.
• It’s not fair to give J no viable recourse when I’m disrespectful, obnoxious, and a general asshole. When she gets hurt or upset my mental defenses shoot up, and we’re left in a stale mate where I invariably give her the silent treatment. It’s not healthy, and becomes a vicious circle where hate and resentment can build. By submitting to J’s discipline that mental defense is removed, because I can no longer hide behind it. There is then a consequence once more for my actions – one that wouldn’t normally be there.
• I trust my wife, J is a very stable and strong woman who I have great respect, trust, and admiration for. It’s incredibly rare for her to make a bad judgment call, especially where my behavior is concerned. If she calls me out, whether it be for something that I’ve done/said to family, friends, or even strangers I trust her implicitly. In that respect, I know her discipline has the potential to make me a better person, and as a result a better husband – and that’s something that she deserves.

So there it is, those are the primary reasons why I would even consider submit a spanking punishment by J’s hand. It may not be right for others, but I think it’s something that could be very beneficial to our marriage.

The Great Divide

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Being Placed In A Box!

No, J hasn’t locked me in a small box – and I hope she never does. I’m referring to the idea of being pigeon holed into a specific category, but what if you don’t fit any pre-existing categories?

I think for J, this has been a real problem area in the past, and has been an issue that has constantly prevented us from experimenting with any form of spanking orientated lifestyle within our marriage. To be clear, if any spanking is to be done, it’s J that’s going to be doing it – and I’m perfectly fine with being on the receiving end. Anyway, in terms of females spanking males (F/M), it seems that one is assumed to fall into one of a couple of preordained relationship styles - such as the stereotypical Mistress/Slave, Mom/Child, or the Female Led Relationship (FLR) – especially when you start talking about lifestyle choices.

This, for J at least, from what I can gather, has pretty much been a show stopping road block when considering any form of lifestyle that involves spanking. This is primarily because she doesn’t want to be seen as the Mother in our marriage with me relegated to a child role in her eyes, and she has no desire to be the day-to-day dominant partner who runs the show. Our marriage has thrived because we have, and always will, work as a team; consequently, all major (and most minor) decisions are talked about and agreed upon together, which I feel is the way it should be in a marriage. Granted, I know some who fit nicely into those pre-existing clichés will disagree, and I’m fine with people disagreeing with me on that issue; however, for us, having one sole dominant relationship leader would never work within our marriage dynamic.

So, if we aren’t a pre-existing category then what are we? That’s a good question, and the short answer is that right now I don’t really know. Things are still in what I would describe as the experimental stage. To some extent J and I are feeling each other out, but we’re off on the right foot – at least it feels that way to me! Much to my surprise and delight, in a scary yet excited and hopeful way, took the initiative on Friday night to give me a preemptive caning as a warning about embarrassing her in public. She made it perfectly clear, in no uncertain terms, that any future transgression in that regard would result in a caning far worse than what she actually had given me. From my point of view, that was a major step in the direction of her starting to embrace this new lifestyle that we’re toying with, which fills me with excitement, fear, dread, and strangely hope! Suffice to say, the message was received loud and clear, but I guess that was the point!

Anyway, in my mind it seems that we’re creating our own box, where to the outside world J is my loving wife with whom I have an equal day-to-day partnership; however, in private, J maintains that same public role, but also becomes my guiding conscience, dishing out severe disciplinarian style consequences with a paddle or cane to keep me in line, and improve my overall character. I guess the real short answer is that our box is under construction, where the blueprints are just a little bit on the complicated side, but that’s life right?

Blah Blah, Ouch!

The Obligatory Introduction

The “Blah Blah” part of the title above refers to this introductory part. I’m not expecting anybody to really read this other than possibly my wife – who I’ll just refer to as J – but you never know, stranger things have happened I guess. So, if you’re a stranger peeking into my world, as boring as it is, then at least you may get some initial context, and understand what I’m trying to achieve by writing this blog, and what type of content it will most likely contain.

Why Am I Blogging?

This blog is really being written for my own benefit, and to a lesser extent J’s – so she can see what’s going on in my chaotic mind. I’ve been meaning to start some form of journal for a long time, but like most things in my life I procrastinate, and things get placed on the backburner indefinitely (or as I say to J, “it’s on the list!”). So here it is! Yay for giving procrastination a quick sharp smack on the rump!

To some degree I find it a lot easier to communicate, even with J, through the use of the written word – especially when it comes to things that are on my mind, what’s currently bugging me, or topics of a more personal and sexually orientated nature. Even though I’m really comfortable talking face to face with J about things (we’ve been married for eons), I just find that the written word is a lot more powerful, because you have the time to compose what you want to say.

Yeah Yeah, So What Am I Blogging About?

As I mentioned above, this will really be a forum for me to be able to express my thoughts “out loud” – and to some extent record my journey.

Granted, being a man, ninety percent of my thoughts originate from the smaller brain located in my pants; consequently, a majority of the post will most likely be sexually orientated in nature – yeah I know J, shocker, bet you didn’t see that one coming!

The “Ouch” part of the title above is connected to a recent development is our marriage, where J is starting to embrace the role of my disciplinarian (more on that in the post tomorrow)! So, this blog will also record my thoughts and experiences within that exciting realm as well. So, that’s about it for the obligatory introductory bullshit! I guess the key question that remains is this: how long can I keep this blog going, and will it just fizzle into nothing?