Nervous Ramblings

I wasn’t going to put up another post today - two was all I had originally planned - but the reality and potential enormity of what I’m asking J to do as my disciplinarian really starting to sink in a few minutes ago. This isn’t some once in a while playful spanking sex session that we’re looking at anymore, but a move in a potentially life changing direction – which if I’m completely honest,  could very well be a move in a very beneficial and positive direction. So why so nervous – erm, because novelty becomes reality very quickly, and reality at the end of a paddle and cane hurts, a lot! If I’m truthful, the internal voices are beginning to panic a little, and more so after the last two posts.

If J picks up the gauntlet where the motivational help is required, and based on what I wrote it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she did, then that’s going to lead into some very drastic and immediate life changes – granted, they will be highly beneficial changes, but excuses no longer become a viable escape. Instead the real painful consequence of J’s discipline potentially awaits me, and that’s where I get nervous. Granted, it’s good that I ‘m feeling a healthy and natural fear of J’s potential discipline, and I want to change, I really do, I need to change, but I foresee a lot of painful lessons in my immediate future. Part of me worries if J will be empowered and strong enough to follow through with the spankings that I need, and another part wonders if I can take the punishments that I need.

My initial reaction, before sitting down to write this entry was to take down the previous two posts, but I know that I would only be cheating myself if I did that – as crazy as that sounds. Which leaves me with the conclusion that I need what's coming to me, even though I don’t want what's coming to me. From a DD point of view, that’s probably exactly where I need to be, and it shows me that I’ve definitely transitioned away from the thrill seeking, sexually motivated urge to be spanked – which is where I was a while back. As I said in an earlier post, be careful what you ask for, because you might just get it – and a lot more than you initially bargained for to boot!