It has literally astounded me how the threat of a punishment spanking has radically altered my general behavior towards J, and that is a good thing given that J has started to get into the groove of delivering spankings that are painfully effective. As such, since the punishment spanking that I received for beach incident, I think I’ve been a good little husband this week. At least I think so, because J didn’t order me to assume the position last night, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
Granted, for anybody looking in on this blog other than J herself, that could be viewed as not such a good thing, because I’m sure those external viewers would much rather hear that my butt is red, marked, and very sore than the fact that I’ve been a good husband for the week. On saying that, given my past history of behavior, I’m bound to screw up sooner rather than later, and J would probably vouch for that.
Anyway, given that I’ve possibly dodged the motivational and behavior spanking bullet this week, I began thinking more about the related subject of integrity, honesty, and accountability. More so, because those are the areas where, as much as I hate to admit it, I would say I lack the most character as a person on a day to day level. Unfortunately, those are areas in ones life that matter the most, or rather should matter the most.
Lying for me has always been my Achilles heel, and was something that I learned and honed at a very early age. Here I now am, some thirty odd years later, and I still find that lying is a part of my life – even if the majority of them are small white lies to make myself feel better. J has made it clear that she doesn’t like it, and that’s one of the behaviors that will get me a punishment spanking; however, there have been occasions over the last couple of weeks where I’ve caught myself doing it, and it’s either slipped past J’s attention, or she’s let it slide.
That really brings me to the subject at hand, because things will slip J’s attention, but I will often catch myself doing it. On one hand, there’s a small part of me that will breathe a sigh of relief for getting away with it, but the side of me that wants to grow and become a better person will lay down the guilt and demand some accountability. When I stop and think about it, that’s why we allowed DD into our marriage in the first place. I need to be accountable for my actions that are unacceptable, at a marriage, social, and personal level. So, I guess this is where the integrity, honesty, and accountability come into play, but it’s also a very hard thing to do, because I know that the ramifications could be extremely painful – more so at this behavior level, because that could result in being spanked on my butt that was only just roasted for something else possibly yesterday, or even worse, a couple of hours ago. On saying that, isn’t that what strength of character and integrity is all about?
So, does that mean I should confess those actions, and if so, then when? There are some instances and situations where J would be unable to deal with delivering a consequence there and then, but does that mean that the confession should be deferred until the end of the day? Is confession even necessary? To some extent I would probably say that it is, because the punishment is meant to reinforce and act as a deterrent so that it breaks you of those character flaws; however, it can only really work if you’re honest with yourself. Yes, one could revel in getting away with it, but then why bother with a DD lifestyle if you’re wanting to cheat the system. I’ll let J chime in on this subject, and see what her take is on it.
J has yet to formalize the punishments in terms of behaviors and their related number of stroke/swats/time, and that’s fine, because I know she has other things on her plate. Having thought more about all of this, I’m left thinking that it might be a good idea for J and me to sit down and start listing out individual behaviors that she no longer wants to tolerate, and also behaviors that I personally want help with in correcting for personal growth – for example, not lying (even small white lies), no viewing and masturbating to porn, etc. From that list we can then assign a respective punishment for each offence. Maybe that will be part of my next blog entry, coming up with a list of behaviors and actions that I need help with in correcting and eliminating, so that it gives J a foundation to build upon.
Sheesh, these posts are always so darn long!