Everything these days seems to be iThis, and iThat, so I thought I would be a smartarse and do my versions too. Having said that, it also ties in with what I’ve been thinking about this morning, in as much as the world has turned into a generation of I’s.
Western Civilization as a whole is being conditioned to think about the self before the whole. I’m not going to go into a full rant about how the media is always pushing products down our throats, enticing one to think things like: I must have that, I want that, I need that, etc.; however, to some degree that’s what’s happening in the world today. This, among other factors, promotes more of an I attitude, than a we attitude, and I think that’s detrimental to a lot of relationships. Given that this is a spanking blog, I will leave that there, but it’s fundamental to the point that I’m about to discuss.
I will admit that when we started this DD side of our relationship, it was fostered from an I perspective. I wanted it, because I wanted to change, and I needed help in changing, and I wanted to make J’s quality of life better. See the theme there? It wasn’t born from a thought of we want this, or we need this; however, what I’ve come to realize, and I think J is on the same page but she will have to chime in on that for herself, is that it has become more of a ‘we’ or ‘her’ thing as opposed to an ‘I’ thing. Which is a good thing, because I think it has to be that way, otherwise there is no hope for it to even work. If it was just an ‘I’ thing, then over a period of time J would most likely let it slide, and most likely drop it completely. As it is now, with open communication, honesty, and in effect handing this over to her I’m able remove the ‘I’ element from the equation – or at least I’m trying hard to do that, because it’s not easy for me.
In short, this needs to work for J, and J must want to do this. It doesn’t matter what I feel, what I need, or what I want, it matters that she feels that we need this as a couple, and more importantly, she needs to feel that she needs this for herself. At an individual level, it just can’t work, and from our attempts in the past I can attest to that from personal experience. If J feels empowered by the DD dynamic, and feels that she has an effective tool to get my attention when she feels the need, then this DD dynamic will blossom.
Which brings me full circle to the topic title, because even though I try and deny it, I’m the kind of person that likes formality, ritual, and lists. I feel more comfortable when I’m in a structured setting, and I like familiarity. Why bother mentioning this? Well, having browsed a lot of DD/FLR blogs recently there seems to be a constant theme of using specific rituals with punishment. The most common ones that I see are things like being made to fetch specific implements and present them to the spanker, being told to go and assume the position and wait for the punishment until the spanker is ready, and being made to stand in a corner after the spanking has been administered, or worse, being made to stand in a corner in-between multiple rounds of punishment.
J doesn’t employ any of those types of rituals, but I will admit there is a side of me that find those ideas very appealing. Again, it appeals to me more so because of the formality and structure that it brings to a punishment, but note that it falls into the ‘I’ category again. J is very efficient in her punishments, and that to some degree is a blessing now that she is getting the hang of things, because it’s over in a a few minutes; however, I’m left wondering if that is the most effective way, or if drawing it out longer would be more beneficial. I’m not necessarily talking about spanking for longer periods, although she has that option, but more towards adding psychological warfare into her arsenal of weaponry.
Now at this point, I will admit that these thoughts are very ‘I’ orientated, and in truth while they appeal to me on a structured level, I’m inclined to also think that the fantasy of that is a far cry from the reality. Being made to stand in a corner for five minutes, or longer, would not be fun – especially if you know that it’s a pre-cursor to another round of punishment, same with assuming the position for a few minutes prior to her entering the room; however, when you think about it, that’s probably the point, because it’s not meant to be fun! Luckily, J hasn’t had the need to emphasize her point to ensure that she’s being ‘heard,’ (thank you Cathy and Scally for introducing her to that concept, grumble), so I haven’t been subjected to multiple rounds of spanking as yet – and honestly, I don’t want to either! It doesn’t mean that she won’t ever employ that tactic, and again, it becomes her choice.
Anyway, this is getting long again, but I’m well aware of my desire for structure and formality, and I’m fully aware of the draw that I have towards rituals and making lists. I’m trying to let all of that go, because I’m starting to realize that this isn’t a me thing, it’s a J thing. How she decides to carry out the punishments and maintenance is fully in her control, and I just need to learn to accept that – no matter how hard that is for me. It’s all part of trusting her implicitly, and I do! I’m sure that as she progresses down this road with me, she will develop her own ideas, and become the loving disciplinarian wife that I know she can be.