Bend Over–A Test of Submission and Will

I addressed my thoughts on spanking positions a couple of weeks ago, so I won’t reiterate any of that. When J spanks me she seems to either have me lay down with a pillow underneath me, or bent over a low chair so that both my hands and feet touch the floor. She has yet to experiment with other positions, and given that these seem to be working for her then I don’t really expect that to really change – which I will admit from a curiosity perspective is a bit of a shame.

However, there is one position that has been on my mind lately, and came about mainly because I found that I had become a little more flexible since exercising over the last month. That being bent over with ones legs spread apart, and ones hands resting on the floor in front of you for support. Basically a modified version of the classic bend over and touch your toes position, because while I’m more flexible, I’m not that flexible! Anyway, what really peaks my curiosity is not the actual position itself, but more the willpower and resolve to maintain that position when ones butt is being roasted.

I’ve seen that subject crop up on a number of blogs, and it’s one that really seems to pique my interest, because I know that I’m one of those people that really wants to take a severe spanking, but has low willpower and resolve when it actually comes down to it. As such, I don’t know why I would even be remotely curious to experience that position with that in mind, because I don’t think it would end very well for me. The scenario of being told to keep position otherwise extra strokes/swats will be administered, or worse the spanking will start all over again sends both tingles down my spine, and simultaneously induces a sense of dread and fear. Yet I still feel the desire to experience and submit to it, which I don’t understand given all of the above!

As to whether the position is better suited to a particular implement I can’t say, although I think it would favor something like the cane, because there is a pause between strokes that allows for one to recompose ones self making it easier to maintain position; however, being paddled in that position could be truly agonizing, especially if penalty swats are given for breaking position.

The position is certainly very flexible in terms of location, because it can be adopted almost anywhere on the spot. The positions that J uses now requires us to be in specific locations, which hasn’t been that much of a problem to date, but one never knows when a backup position could come in handy!

Painful Reminder (Sort Of)

Well it was a good run, because it was three weeks ago today when I got my last punishment spanking; however, J ended that run this morning, but not for the reason I thought she would, which took me a little by surprise.

Based on what she said in reference to my last post, I know she felt conflicted about giving me a spanking for confessing. In her mind, and I can only guess here, she felt that confessing a behavior didn’t deserve a punishment; however, at the same time, she also didn’t want me feeling that I got away with it – got to love those nasty moral catch 22’s. Anyway, given that no spanking has materialized as a result of that confession (at least not yet), then I guess I caught a lucky break on that one. I’m certainly in no position to say one way or the other if she made the right choice, because all DD related issues are hers to call and justify – besides, my butt is hesitant to write a check it doesn’t really want to cash!

So, if I didn’t get spanked for that, then what did I get spanked for? Well J and I have been experimenting more with me being a little more subservient to her. As such, she has decided that she wants me to become more of a gentleman, which means, among other things, opening doors for her, etc. I did fine over the weekend, but it just completely slipped my mind today, because not once did I open the car door for her. A trivial thing to some, but important enough for J to decide that I needed a quick reminder to not do it again. Which to some degree I find slightly ironic, because I confessed to ogling and drooling over other women, yet I get spanked for not opening a car door. Granted, it was a very quick reminder, and I think my cries of pain and apology, and pleading that I wouldn’t let it happen again possibly reduced my sentence somewhat – I think she’s still a bit of a lenient softy when I make that amount of fuss (yeah I’m a bit of a wimp when it comes to  a spanking, but it hurts!).

I didn’t want to get up this morning at all, and I seemed to ache all over, so to some extent being dragged out of bed at 6:30am didn’t put me in the best of moods. I wasn’t mad at anybody, but I just felt off, and to some degree very lethargic. That feeling pretty much hung over me all morning, and was probably one of the main reasons why I just didn’t even think about opening the car door for J today. I also wimped out of going swimming, which I probably shouldn’t have done either. In short, I was focused more on how I felt, than how she was feeling, or more importantly what she wanted from me. So in that regard, I think she was spot on with calling me out and giving me a sharp reminder – even if it was tempered by my pitiful noise.

Anyway, even though it wasn’t a very serious spanking – yeah it hurt, but it was fairly quick thank God – I noticed something else which took me a little by surprise. For some strange reason it seemed to snap me out of my funk (love that word, been waiting to use it for a while now), and to some degree it re-centered me. Now, I’ve read about that before in other blogs, but I didn’t really understand how a spanking could do that – after all it hurts, so how could that help you feel better! However, it did just that for me, and I can’t explain it, but she literally spanked me into a better mood, which put a smile onto my face (well, after she had finished anyways).

I can’t finish this post without saying how proud and impressed I am with J. She called me out when I didn’t even expect it, which is something new for her. She’s still learning, but is picking things up pretty fast. I don’t think she will ever lose the warm emotional empathy that she has, and my butt will probably fare better for that. She’s also getting a lot better at telling me what she wants and expects, instead of asking.

Integrity, Honesty, and Guilt

As much as it pains me to admit it, honesty and integrity are not my strongest suits – more so when it comes to stupid stuff. Having said that, I’ve seen a distinct improvement in this area, and there has definitely been some personal growth since J came onboard with the DD regime; furthermore, I now seem to experience a weird side effect, and one that I haven’t experienced much of in the past – that being guilt.

In the past I rarely felt much guilt as a consequence of my actions, mainly because I was able to convince and delude myself into transferring blame to the other party. Now things seem to be different, because J is keeping me accountable for my actions, so that mental defense mechanism is no longer viable.

Much to my surprise, this has also led me to feeling guilty about things that I haven’t been caught for, which is a unique and fairly distressing feeling to say the least; furthermore, to some extent, it almost feels like a punishment in itself.

Which leads into the subject of honesty and integrity once more, a topic that seems to be cropping up fairly regularly these days, and one that I could really use some personal growth in - although I will admit that I’m better than I used to be a month ago; however, it’s fairly clear to me now that when I experience feelings of guilt, then I know that I’ve probably done something wrong. That’s where integrity comes into play, and should really be accompanied by honesty by confessing to J what I’ve done so she can determine if I need a punishment or not; however, it’s the confession side (and therefore the honesty) where I seem to have a problem, because even though I feel guilty for not getting caught I find myself unwilling to confess.

A month or so ago I will admit to not having much fear about receiving a spanking from J, but in the past month (even though she has only administered four or five punishment spankings) she has become very adept and skilled in her delivery. I think my behavior over the past three weeks, which hasn’t resulted in a single punishment spanking, is a testament to how much respect and fear I have over her improvement in this area.

Granted, nothing that I’ve done has really been that bad (although that’s something that J should judge) over the past three weeks, and there's really only two incidents that come to mind.

I have a nasty habit of picking at my feet, which J finds really gross and has expressed the desire for me to stop. Unfortunately, out of habit more than anything I’ve still been picking, but not to the extent that I have done before. J did inspect my feet the other day, and she gave me a pass even though I thought for sure I was caught.

The other incident, and probably the more serious of the two, involved checking out other women. I think I only got away with that because J was too busy looking at her iPad to notice. Both incidents induced feelings of guilt, but instead of manning up and confessing to J I stayed quiet. The interesting thing here is that the guilt is eating away at me, and I honestly don’t know what's worse – confessing and getting a possible spanking, or keeping it to myself and feeling waves of mental anguish. To some extent I now understand why some criminals confess to the police, because it’s not a nice feeling carrying all that guilt.

I don’t know what J will decide to do based on this minor confession, because it hasn’t come up before. I don’t know if she will exercise leniency because I confessed or not, and that’s really for her to decide. The feeling of guilt has to some extent been lifted by posting this, but has been replaced by a gut wrenching set of butterflies in the pit of my stomach – integrity and honesty sucks! The only thing that I know for sure, I need to confess more willingly in the future.

Wall Flower? Nope, a Steel Magnolia!!

It’s been a fairly quite week around here, and I’m approaching the three week mark since my last punishment spanking. How long that streak will continue I have no idea, but the longer the better, because I know J is firmly committed to ensuring that she is heard when she administers a spanking these days. So until she deems it necessary to remind me to be a good boy, I’ll be trying my hardest to do what she expects of me in all areas.

An interesting development does seem to be in the works though, and one that ties in quite closely to the DD side of our relationship. Over the past week or so J and I have been discussing how she might increase her control over me, and based on today it seems that J has seen the light and is warming to the idea more and more.

J has always been put off of the dominant female role, because of the established clichés that surround the femdom culture. Whenever she thinks about being a more dominant type of female her mind immediately conjures up the femdom model, and that’s just not her. This past week J may have had some kind of breakthrough, because she has decided to shrug off that cliché and create her own vision of what she thinks a strong powerful dominant woman should be like. As she puts it, she’s decided to take on the role of a polite Mistress, and being polite doesn’t mean that she will be any less demanding, authoritative, or strict; however, she see’s herself as a Steel Magnolia, and for anybody that’s not from the South, you’ll just have to look that up for yourself!

So what does that all mean, well from my perspective it means that J will most likely take more control over me, such that she will be directing more of my time and energy around tasks that please her. She wants my focus to be fixed upon her, and not on myself. I will be at her command anytime she desires, which could mean that I do something as trivial as fetch her a drink, or open a car door for her, to something more time consuming such as giving her a pedicure. More importantly, I’m to do whatever she commands when she commands it, not when it’s convenient for me.

As strange as it may seem, it’s a welcome move as far as I’m concerned, and I’ll be interested to see how this runs its course over the next couple of weeks. If today was anything to go by, it looks like she really enjoying her new role, and the benefits that are coming naturally from it.

Settling Into DD

Not a whole lot to report on the DD front really, because nothing has really happened of any great significance. To some degree the novelty has just melded itself into the reality of our daily lives – by that I mean that the DD is hanging over my head 24/7 as it should, and it’s just there, sitting, lurking, and waiting. Meanwhile, my behavior is responding to that threat in a positive manner, so punishments are not being administered.

As to whether J is being too lenient or slipping up on certain things, well that’s not for me to say or judge. All I know is that whatever I’m doing obviously isn’t enough to warrant me getting a spanking, and I’m good with that! Also, J has been a bit under the weather that last couple of days, but is feeling better now, not that I think it makes that much difference.

I still don’t think we fit into any pre-conceived box, and nor do I think we ever will. Based on J’s personality, I know that a full blown FLR just isn’t going to happen, and I’m fine with that – in fact we’re both fine with that. DD was originally introduced into our relationship to act as a deterrent, and a real painful consequence, for the majority of my unpleasant behaviors and immaturity. Plain and simple, that’s really the crux of it for us. As a side benefit, it’s made me feel more emotionally connected to J, and vice-versa; consequently, that has invariably led to experimenting with other FLR type activities that really aren’t a part of the DD regime that we have in place, but could easily be categorized within the FLR category – for example, giving J a manicure, pedicure, massaging her feet, etc..

I have expressed an interest in her having more control in certain areas, and it’s something that she’s toying with right now. As to whether anything materializes from that experimentation is another story, but I remain hopeful.

Change: A Moment of Reflection

I've spent the last few days reflecting back on how life was a month ago, and the to say that there have been significant changes would be a gross understatement.

A month ago I was living a pretty selfish and self absorbed life, with J being left to deal with my annoying and frustrating behaviors. We weren't at each others throats, in fact I don't think I can ever recollect any arguments where voices have been raised, because that's not how either one of us dealt with anger and frustration. To some extent, we became masters of passive aggressiveness, which normally resulted in many hours (or days in some extreme cases) of silent treatment. Looking back, I can see so clearly now how unhealthy that type of behavior was, and it has no place in any marriage - yet alone ours!

DD, as I've mentioned before, was my idea - at least I think it was.  Although now that I think back, the re-emergence of DD in our relationship happened as a result of J reaching for a paddle that was laying around, and telling me to assume the position for something that I had just done - basically she had been pushed too far and it caught her eye, and out of other options she decided to give that a try.

Why did we have a paddle laying around one might ask, given that we weren't involved in spanking at that point? That's a good question, and the easy answer is that it was left over, and escaped the sex toy genocide from a couple of years ago, but had somehow made it down to J's desk over a period of time - there it say idle for a long time.

That was a very pivotal point, because in the past any spanking that we had meddled with was orientated towards a sexual erotic context. That spanking was very different, because there was no sexual contact, and was all business. That was something that I had never experienced before, and in all honesty it messed with my head and turned my world upside down. To say that it was unpleasant, again would be a vast understatement, because it left an immediate impression; furthermore, it was one that I wasn't keen on repeating, but as they say, the damage was done.

The following day, still nursing a somewhat sore bottom, I finally made a significant breakthrough where I understood the difference between a punishment spanking and an erotic one. I had always had the two mixed and confused as one and the same, but that light bulb was now shining very bright. It was at that point that I told J that for the first time in my life I experienced a very real and painful consequence as a result of my actions. That naturally led into a discussion about possibly implementing the need for some form of DD dynamic into our relationship, and the rest is now history.

So here we are today, about one month later, and the changes in our marriage and relationship with each other has been nothing short of miraculous. Communication is at an all time high (hey Bob, how you doing today?), J seem unbelievably happier than I've seen her in a long long time, and I'm a different person than I was. I'm still a long way from perfect, but it's amazing what changes you can make in your life when there is the threat of corporal punishment hanging over your head 24/7.

On a personal level, I'm a lot more attentive towards J, and I'm treating her more like the Princess that she deserves to be. I'm finally exercising on a very regular basis, eating a lot healthier, and as of this week I'm now well versed in the art of giving J a manicure and pedicure! In short, my life has stopped revolving around me, and has started to revolve around us, with specific focus on J. After some fifteen years of marriage, I can't even begin to describe how amazing it feels to still look at your partner and feel so much love and admiration for that person.

Would I change anything that's happened over the last month? In a word, no, absolutely not. I wish we had implemented a DD dynamic in our marriage years ago, but there's no point dwelling on the what ifs. I would recommend DD to any wife whose husband drives them insane, because it has the potential to change your life for the better.

Change and Evolution is Good

Bob (senorose4) made some comments over the past week or two, and they were beneficial for two reasons. First, it emphasized to me that this blog can only provide a very narrow view of my relationship with J, and second, it made me go back and re-read some of my earlier posts.

Going back and re-reading the posts was beneficial, because it reiterated how much J and I have progressed and changed in just one short month. I don’t think this blog has been the most exciting read for anybody, especially those that prefer to read about spanking encounters, because I don’t seem to be getting as many punishment spankings as I thought I would. This isn’t due to J being soft, or overly lenient, but more due to the fact that I finally have a very real and painful consequence hanging over my head all of the time; consequently, I’ve stepped up on my behavior, and as a result I feel that I’m growing as a person – more importantly, I think it’s made me realize how immature I was being. Net result being that I’m finally being a better husband, because I really don’t want my butt paddled and caned – which means that the deterrent is working!

Having said all of that, I do feel a little bit guilty for not having any punishment encounters to write about. To some extent it almost feels as though I’m luring people interested in DD/FLR/spanking to the blog, but I’m not delivering anything of any interest for them to read. Granted, I’m not going to brat to get a spanking just to satisfy y’all – sorry, but it hurts – so I guess I will just have to start writing about content that relates to those areas, at least while we wait for me to slip up (and trust me, it’s inevitable that I will). J has yet to make any noise about maintenance spankings, and we haven’t really talked about those in any detail, but I’m sure she’ll dish one out when she feels that my behavior is starting to slip, or when she thinks one is overdue.

I’m sure a lot of other bloggers go through similar feelings, but I originally wrote this blog to help J and I communicate about all of this DD stuff; however, now that I see that a few people are following, I feel compelled to provide them with some content that is interesting for them to read. So to some degree, this blog is also growing and evolving, just as my marriage to J is.

Anyway, for those that are still reading, thank you, and I’ll try and write about more spanking related topics and questions to keep y’all entertained.