Its been a number of weeks now since J introduced DD into our relationship, and from that other small and interesting changes have came about. I don't think that we will ever attain the status of a fully fledged FLR, and that's fine with us both; however, we seem to be adding small pieces of the FLR pie to our own buffet, and while I can't (and shouldn't) speak for J, from my overall perspective it does seem to make me happier. I know J certainly has enjoyed having her nails done, and her feet rubbed when she feels the desire, yet there still appears to be a level of resistance as she struggles to demand what she really wants.
I certainly feel more complete and happy when I'm serving J in a way that I know pleases her, and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't crave more; however, as we've learnt in the past, going slow, especially with lifestyle changes is the best way for us to go, and this journey so far has been no different. Ironically, as I mentioned above, J is still struggling with demanding what she really wants and desires, and to some degree is still tip-toeing around me instead of making her real wants and desire heard. It’s ironic, because I don’t think she fully comprehends that I really want to serve her needs, and in doing so make her life so much more pleasurable and happy. She has the opportunity to be treated like my Queen, and yet something seems to prevent her from reaching out and taking it. As it stands, while I would love to see J take a more controlling, strict, and demanding persona where I'm concerned (even if that means applying the hairbrush or paddle when bad attitude is encountered), I know I will just have to be happy when she asks me to give her a manicure, pedicure, foot rubs, massages, and opening car doors for her - in addition to keeping my behavior under control, which based on the last week or two is also something else that I think she may be letting slide a little too much.
What has surprised me more than anything so far, is how hard it has been to maintain consistency. I think J struggles with this a little more than I do, because she is 'vanilla' by nature, so all this DD and FLR type behavior isn't constantly at the forefront of her mind. I will admit to having a harder time understanding why she struggles so much with commanding what she really wants and desires, and I don’t know if it’s from years of being effectively subservient to my will, or because she really likes being subservient to me. I’m pretty sure it’s not the latter, because I know for a fact that she has often said that she is fed up with being treated that way, and who wouldn’t want their desires and needs to be met. Also, her natural demeanor is also one that's softer and kinder, so being demanding and strict doesn't come naturally to her; furthermore, as I mentioned above, she is also dealing with years of tip-toeing around me trying to keep me happy, because I've been fairly overbearing, controlling, and domineering for so long now; consequently, trying to reverse that mentality for her isn't an easy task, and it's very easy for her to slip back into that mentality of being controlled, and to some extent manipulated.
For me the problem is the complete reverese, and I'll openly admit to being controlling by nature; however, when I look back over our marriage, and the behavior that I've exhibited I don't like what I see. I've never been happy with how my dad dominates and disregards my mom, and it pains me when I see some of that in me. Above all else, that drives my desire to flip this around, and to some extent put J more in control; however, it really comes down to J picking up the gauntlet, because there is only so much that I can really do, and I can’t make her demand what she really wants – as much as I would like to be able to.
I've caught myself on a couple of occasions this week slipping into controlling and disrespectful/annoying behavior, but the difference now being that I seem to be able to spot it when it happens. This is also where the problem of consistency comes into play, because I see myself slip, and J gets that look in her eye which indicates to me that she sees the slip, but for the most part she has been letting it slide by - or worse, reverts back to trying to appease me, or make me happy even if it's not what she really wants. So instead of commanding and enforcing what she really wants, she ends up settling for something she doesn't really like or want. Honestly, as strange as it is, that’s the most frustrating thing so far, because the threat or application of a quick attitude adjustment with the paddle is all it would take to totally change that whole situation in her favor. In doing so I’m sure she would be more happy, less frustrated, more content, and have a husband that’s very compliant for the remainder of the day. As a result, frustration surfaces, because deep down I really do want to be more subservient to her, make her happier, and be more obedient to her wishes; however, I sometimes lack the right attitude, resolve, and willpower to see that through, and part of that comes from me being entrenched in my controlling ways. To some degree I know and openly want to be broken of those bad habits, but I also know that it requires proactive intervention on J’s part in the sense of her being stricter and less tolerant; however, that’s really out of my control, and I don’t want to make J into something that I desire, so it feels like a catch 22.
When I do look back at the moments when I struggle, and fall back into being a controlling jerk, a couple of things stand out the most. My biggest problem seems to be a result of J's method of asking, and it's something that I've brought up before, but seems to be worth repeating. I've noticed over the last week that more and more she ends up asking me to do something, as opposed to being told. This may sound like a trivial difference, but it not only has a huge impact upon my demeanor as I approach a task, but it also comes across as giving me an option even when it’s something she wants and would make her happy.
This morning was a classic example, the alarm went off and neither of us really moved, because neither one of us wanted to get up and take the little one to school. So, instead of telling me to get up, which is obviously what she wanted, she asked in such a way that I could have easily said no. Had I done that she probably would have gotten up and taken care of it herself, and left me to sleep in, which I know wouldn’t have made her happy; however, without wanting to belittle the point, I did get up and I will admit to doing so with a bit of an attitude, but it took a while to accept it as an act of obedience and willingness to serve her desire in order to make her happy. The point that I’m trying to make is that if she had told me I was to get up, then I would have most likely have complied readily and respectfully with a "Yes Ma'am." As the saying goes, it's not what you say, but how you say it. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.
That leads me to the consistency of obedience on my part, and I think that’s something that could do with being brought back into line. While I will admit to there being a level of sexual thrill from serving J, my primary motivation boils down to finally realizing how much of a disrespectful ass I’ve been all of these years. As such, I’m at a point where I just want to make J happy and see that she gets what she really wants and desires, instead of walking on eggshells around me trying to please me; however, my controlling side at times rears up in resistance, even though deep down I want nothing more than to serve and make her happy; furthermore, for the most part over the last week or two, there has been no consequence to that resistance. Instead of there being a quick attitude adjustment, even if it were just a couple of hard swats with the hairbrush to pull me back in line, J seems to be letting more and more slide by.
Granted, the last week or so has consumed us as a couple, both mentally and emotionally, in regards to the upcoming surgery next week. It’s also not for me to say that J hasn’t been making effective use of her available discipline measures, but I do think that part of my resurfacing control issues, disrespectful behaviors, and attitudes to various things would have decreased drastically if I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wouldn’t think twice about telling me to fetch the paddle to administer a quick no-nonsense reminder about obedience, compliance, and respect.
This is also probably the worst time for us to be dealing with all of this new lifestyle orientated stuff, because it will be curtailed by the surgery next week. On saying that, it will give us both a couple of weeks to think about aspects of FLR and DD in general, and that probably isn’t a bad thing. I think once the surgery is out of the way, and life can resume in a more normal capacity, then we can continue to progress down this road.
I did read a post on At all Times - (Look at this a different way), which I thought was really awesome. It also got me thinking that I’m approaching this all wrong, because it’s still very me centric on the subservient side. I will address that post more in my next post.