I’m long overdue on making a blog post here, but for various reasons we seem to have hit some kind of roadblock or set back on the DD front - or at least it appears that way; however, as per usual it’s not quite as clean cut as that, because various comments from J this week seem to indicate that if I wasn’t sick and floating on Nyquil my ass would be well and truly blistered right now. So to some extent I’m getting a lot of mixed messages, and I’m not sure where we stand right now.
The short of it is that for a multitude of reasons, where both of us have been at fault, the last three weeks or so we haven’t really been connecting on and emotional level in our relationship. It’s clear that feelings have been hurt on both sides due to a variety of unrelated events, and that for the most part has caused us both to pull back emotionally. I’m guilty of letting myself wallow in negative feelings and letting them fester for so long, and to be blunt, J is guilty of tolerating and letting me get away with it. As a direct result it’s very evident that reoccurrences of bad habits, behaviors, disrespect, passive aggressive bullshit, and emotional manipulation on my part have all resurfaced. I think to some degree she seems to have lost that edge of disciplinary confidence, an edge that she had just started to take hold of prior to her surgery. Sitting here now I can honestly say that I miss that edge, and I hope that she reclaims back that authoritative demeanor very soon.
It would be easy for me to look back and start criticizing J, but that wouldn’t be fair – especially when I share an equal amount of guilt over where we are right now; however, it does seem fairly clear that so much of the bullshit, frustration, and unhappiness over the past three or so weeks could have been curtailed quickly had J just taken me in hand, and actively demonstrated that she wasn’t going to tolerate it anymore. That doesn’t mean she is solely to blame for where we now find ourselves, because I need to take ownership of my actions, attitudes, and behaviors which seem to have dragged this out for so long. All I can say at this point is that I’m ready to start over, because I don’t like where we are right now and this needs to stop. Hopefully we can learn from the last couple of weeks, and not allow it to happen again.
So, at this point it feels like we are at a definitive set of crossroads, where J has the opportunity to reflect and re-evaluate where she is in regards to DD, and also the implications behind that evaluation. I also think that the past couple of weeks have clearly demonstrated that, like marriage, DD isn’t going to be an easy road to travel. Clearly, in order for it to be effective and to work, it’s also going to take work and effort on both our parts. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you view it, at times that is also going to mean stepping outside of our comfort zones – but isn’t that what makes us grow?