It Burns! Run Forest, Run!

There are occasions where, for a variety of reasons, a spanking cannot be delivered. As such, we’ve been on the lookout for ‘silent’ remedies that can be applied, especially when louder and more conventional means are not a viable option.

Two such options that came up from research included capsaicin cream and ginger roots, which I’m sure comes as no surprise to the majority of readers. The capsaicin cream, which can be applied to either the buttocks, and/or for the more insane among us the nipples, can also be applied very quickly and efficiently. The application of the ginger root however, while certainly a quieter option than a traditional spanking, does appear to require a little more preparation time, and may also require a greater period of time be set aside in order to apply the treatment.

I’ve yet to be submitted to the ginger root, luckily the grocery store didn’t have any that J deemed suitable for her purposes; however, she did find, and purchased, the capsaicin cream that is pictured above. If your wife or partner start looking at this stuff, run, run as fast as humanly possible and don’t stop, don’t look back, just keep running – trust me!

As fate would have it, J didn’t have to wait long in order to request my presence in the bathroom. She applied a liberal dose of the cream, and was done in all of twenty or so seconds. To add insult to injury she also wore latex gloves, so I couldn’t even have the satisfaction of knowing that her hands and fingers were burning. My initial reaction was something like, well dang, this isn’t so bad; however, within two to three minutes it really ramped up, and OMG it burned, and it burned real bad. A few minutes in J started to feel a little bad for me, and told me that I could go remove it if I wanted. I practically ran to the bathroom. Newsflash, don’t bother trying, once it’s on it’s there to stay, and you have no choice but to let it run it’s course. Truth be told, I would rather have endured an very severe real spanking, because that stuff is plain nasty. If you sit down, it warms your butt, and increases the heat from the cream.

I’m beginning to really worry about her finding a suitable ginger root now, because that’s an internal burning sensation, and from all accounts is meant to be pretty intense. J did wonder if she could get a horseradish root, and use that instead, which I think is meant to be even worse. I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve unlocked J’s inner sadist.

She has also decided that she thinks that maintenance spankings will also be a very good idea, and as such has decided to use Monday mornings for that ritual event. For now, she also wants them to be a weekly occurrence, with additional sets being dished out on top of the maintenance to deal with issues that are outstanding, issues that require motivation, or issues where she thinks a suitable reminder is required.

Things are most definitely back on track, and she is adamant that she doesn’t want another repeat of October!

Sore, Bruised, but Very Happy!

Well dang, I can’t believe that it’s November already. To say the least my blogging last month was nothing short of abysmal, which wasn’t really my intention. Ironically, J and I both agree that had I made the effort to post at least once a week then October probably wouldn’t have deteriorated the way it did, at least in terms of the DD side of our marriage.

Determined to start November off in a more positive DD light, J administered what I can only describe as the most severe DD session that I’ve been given to date. Once again I prepared the punishment area for her, laid out her implements, striped naked, and had to wait in position until she was ready to administer the punishment. I don’t know how long I was in position for, or how many strokes/swats I was given, but it most definitely wasn’t a quick affair. It definitely felt long, and was most certainly very painful – as it should be, given that it was a punishment spanking. What I do know, is that she applied the discipline session on Tuesday, and here on Thursday I’m still extremely conscious of it’s application when I walk, sit, or move. I may well have skated through October, but rest assured she made sure that I paid in full for the spankings that I should have received.

J has also added three new implements to her growing arsenal, which came in the form of switches – one that’s thin and whippy, a medium thickness one, and a heavier one. Much to her delight, we have an almost unlimited supply of suitable trees, and as such they can provide her with a limitless supply of switches whenever she desires them, and in a variety of thicknesses to suit her needs. That was my first experience with a switch, and at first I didn’t think it would be that much different than my experiences with the cane. Well that was an incorrect assumption, especially with the thinner whippy switches. It’s also a very surreal experience going out to cut an implement that you know your going to be punished with, and yet it was also strangely arousing as well.

Anyway, the switches most definitely left their mark – especially the thinner whippier ones. She’s certainly getting her techniques down that’s for sure, and I can safely say that I’ve got some deep bruising from the paddling that she gave me.

That session was also the first time where I experienced a sense of complete submission, in the sense that I got to a point where I lost the desire to fight against the pain and just accept it. That was also a fairly surreal experience, more so because I knew I fully deserved what I was getting. Normally what J stops the punishment and tells me that I can get up, there is this overwhelming sense of relief that it’s finally over; however, in this case, while I was glad that the pain had finally stopped, there was a part of me that also felt strangely disappointed that it was over. I don’t know if that was connected to the fact that I had completely surrendered to the punishment, or if it’s because I was carrying so much guilt over from the past month. Either way, it’s not something that I’ve experienced before.

We’ve also started talking about me becoming more submissive in our relationship. As I’ve said before, we’ll never be what others deem as a complete and proper FLR – at least not by the conventional definitions; however, on a day to day level, acts of submission, acts of service, body worship, orgasm denial, and being made to wear her mark are all potentially on the table to some degree. So we’re still actively looking at establishing our own brand of FLR, or FLS as I prefer to call it (Female Led Submission).

As for the DD side, we’re re-evaluating the need for regular maintenance spankings. October made it very clear to us both that DD takes work on both of our parts, and if one of us slides, or slips into our old routines, then it’s easy for the whole thing to degenerate back into life as it was prior to introducing DD. It’s very clear that neither one of us wants that, and I’m actually glad. Anyway, with regular maintenance spankings that removes the possibility of that happening again, but we’ve yet to set anything in stone on that front. J is doing a lot of evaluating this week, in terms of what SHE wants, and if she decides that SHE wants to administer maintenance spankings then she will let me know how that will go down. We also need to talk about motivation, expectations, and review the list of rules.

So that’s pretty much where we are right now, but it feels like we’re starting to get back on track. J has pretty much recovered completely from her surgery that she had in September, but her energy levels are way down as a by product. I just need to be patient with her, but it’s clear that she wants DD in our marriage so that doubt in my mind has been calmed – she made that very clear on Tuesday!

Ready To Hit The Reset Button!

I’m long overdue on making a blog post here, but for various reasons we seem to have hit some kind of roadblock or set back on the DD front - or at least it appears that way; however, as per usual it’s not quite as clean cut as that, because various comments from J this week seem to indicate that if I wasn’t sick and floating on Nyquil my ass would be well and truly blistered right now. So to some extent I’m getting a lot of mixed messages, and I’m not sure where we stand right now.

The short of it is that for a multitude of reasons, where both of us have been at fault, the last three weeks or so we haven’t really been connecting on and emotional level in our relationship. It’s clear that feelings have been hurt on both sides due to a variety of unrelated events, and that for the most part has caused us both to pull back emotionally. I’m guilty of letting myself wallow in negative feelings and letting them fester for so long, and to be blunt, J is guilty of tolerating and letting me get away with it. As a direct result it’s very evident that reoccurrences of bad habits, behaviors, disrespect, passive aggressive bullshit, and emotional manipulation on my part have all resurfaced. I think to some degree she seems to have lost that edge of disciplinary confidence, an edge that she had just started to take hold of prior to her surgery. Sitting here now I can honestly say that I miss that edge, and I hope that she reclaims back that authoritative demeanor very soon.

It would be easy for me to look back and start criticizing J, but that wouldn’t be fair – especially when I share an equal amount of guilt over where we are right now; however, it does seem fairly clear that so much of the bullshit, frustration, and unhappiness over the past three or so weeks could have been curtailed quickly had J just taken me in hand, and actively demonstrated that she wasn’t going to tolerate it anymore. That doesn’t mean she is solely to blame for where we now find ourselves, because I need to take ownership of my actions, attitudes, and behaviors which seem to have dragged this out for so long. All I can say at this point is that I’m ready to start over, because I don’t like where we are right now and this needs to stop. Hopefully we can learn from the last couple of weeks, and not allow it to happen again.

So, at this point it feels like we are at a definitive set of crossroads, where J has the opportunity to reflect and re-evaluate where she is in regards to DD, and also the implications behind that evaluation. I also think that the past couple of weeks have clearly demonstrated that, like marriage, DD isn’t going to be an easy road to travel. Clearly, in order for it to be effective and to work, it’s also going to take work and effort on both our parts. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you view it, at times that is also going to mean stepping outside of our comfort zones – but isn’t that what makes us grow?

Not Quite Back To Normal, Yet!

Well, it's been close to three weeks since J's surgery, and she is still in what I would consider to be recovery mode. Having said that, last week she removed any doubt from my mind that she could still wield a paddle if necessary, and gave me a quick taste to prove it. Admittedly, it was obvious to us both afterwards that I got off quite lightly, but that's fine given that I was more worried about J popping a stitch. Luckily for me she didn’t bring out the cane, and I say luckily because I’ve yet to experience it now that we’ve possibly pinpointed the flaw in her delivery technique. Something tells me the next caning from J will be a lot more severe.

Anyway, even though she says that she is feeling fine, I still find myself wanting to err on the side of caution - especially where any form of strenuous spanking activity is concerned. Granted, she has made a couple of comments this week to indicate that she thinks I'm long overdue a good hard spanking, but nothing has transpired. I'm hesitant to suggest that J has taken a step back in terms of authority and control, but the comments this week have been more passive than usual and it does make me wonder a little.

On saying all of that, we knew that the weeks after the surgery would possibly set us back a little where DD is concerned; however, her recovery is going well, and it does seem clear that J doesn't want to let go of the DD that we started to establish prior to surgery. This would be an ideal time for her to just let it all slide and forget about it, but based on the comments and hints that doesn’t seem to be the case. As strange as it is, I must admit I do miss her stricter, no-nonsense, Southern Belle demeanor that was starting to take shape prior to the surgery; however, I’m sure it will be back soon enough – at least I hope so.

We Take Too Much For Granted

I've said this before in the past, yet how soon we forget, but we take so much for granted in life. Why does it always take some major event to put things into a proper perspective, and focus our minds on what's really important in our lives. What bothers me more is that even when moments like that occur, they seem to be short lived for the most part. Life has a way of sweeping you back up and carrying you along, just like nothing ever really happened, which is when we find ourselves once more taking way too much for granted day to day.

For those that have been reading this blog, J had surgery last week, and it was the longest nine hours I've ever experienced in my life. That nine hours was filled with long periods of reflection, and the realization of how much she really means to me. Yes she's my wife, but again, I've taken a lot of who she is and what she does in our relationship for granted. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of being in a black holed limbo while the surgery was taking place, but it was to say the least an emotional rollercoaster that I hope to never experience again any time soon. Anyway, the surgery went smoothly, but took a few more hours than expected. She is now recovering, which is a process that will take at minimum three more weeks.

Which kind of brings me back to taking things for granted, because with J laid up it means that my butt will not be receiving any punishment for a while. We knew this was coming, but I didn't realize how much I would miss it, and yes as I type that I'm mentally cringing at the thought. Why would you miss something that hurts so much, and is a punishment? The only real answer that I can come up with is that it seems to bring me emotionally closer to J, which is something that I've discussed in the past. I don't really miss the pain, but I miss how it seems to re-center me, and draw me closer to J afterwards. A necessary evil if you like.

The other problem here is that my brain seems to have twigged onto the fact that my butt is pretty safe right now, and I've caught myself on a couple of occasions, for want of a better word, bratting and sassing J. I know that it's not something that I would do if she wasn't in recovery right now, because she would beat my buns black and blue for sure. Granted, I can hear the little voice in the back of my mind whispering a warning, to the effect of 'keep it up buddy, she'll be recovered soon enough, and she will roast your ass big time.'

Still not sure where J is on the FLR aspects that we meddled with a little prior to her surgery, but that twinkle in her eye and the tone of voice seems to indicate that she means to pick up where we left off - once she has recovered. It seems pretty clear that she intends to keep up with the DD side of our relationship, as for the rest we'll just have to see. I've had some more thoughts on the whole thing, but I'll save those for my next post.

She’s Still On Top Of Me!

Well it turns out that J had a maintenance spanking planned for Friday anyways, and after reading my earlier post her assertive attitude made an appearance. Just when I start to think that she’s slipping she seems to bring me back in line, so I guess I just need to have more faith in her. Not only did she tell me to present myself in the bedroom, but she also had me fetch and arrange her implements, strip naked, and then remain in position until she was ready to commence the punishment. That's the first time that she had really had me do any of those things, and the waiting in position felt like an eternity, which certainly prolonged the agony of knowing that the spanking was coming - especially when all implements had been laid out, and I knew that she had caught me letching at other women last weekend.

Inspired somewhat from my mermaid post, not to mention being irritated at me for looking at other women, and wanting to leave a lasting impression to tide me over for the next few weeks, she made sure that my butt was extremely well spanked. Even as I write this two days later, I can still feel a deeper bruising than I have before. I'm definitely a little sore, which comes as no surprise as she didn't hold back at all. That spanking was probably the most severe spanking to date, and while it certainly could have been worse, I know I'll still be feeling the after effects for a couple more days. I certainly had over one hundred strokes, just not with one implement, but a combination of the riding crop, yardstick, paddle, cane, and hairbrush. I dread the day when she elects to give me one hundred with each one!

On a side note, we think we might have pinpointed why her caning technique doesn't carry as much impact as it probably should. J has been using a pure wrist action to deliver the stroke, as opposed to pulling the arm back some, then bringing it forward with additional wrist action. She has yet to try the new delivery method, but I'm sure it won't be too long before my butt has some deeper cutting lines!

It still amazes me how such a severe spanking, which was very painful, can leave me feeling so emotionally connected to J afterwards. In the past I had always thought it rather strange that some people want to sincerely thank the spanker after a good thrashing, and while I still don't fully understand it, I can relate, because I feel that way when J has taken me in hand. I still don't want to be spanked if I can help it, but when she does it always seems to leave me in a far better place emotionally. It’s like all has been put right in my world, and while I’m sore and bruised I’m a lot happier for it.

Heading out of town tomorrow, and with J's surgery scheduled for Tuesday, not sure when my next post will occur. I might try and post odds and ends to take my mind off of things, but can't promise anything. Hopefully, I'll be back home next week, and J will be on her way to recovering so that she can keep me in line. As strange as it seems, I’ll miss her spanking me while she recovers.

Attitude and Consistency

Its been a number of weeks now since J introduced DD into our relationship, and from that other small and interesting changes have came about. I don't think that we will ever attain the status of a fully fledged FLR, and that's fine with us both; however, we seem to be adding small pieces of the FLR pie to our own buffet, and while I can't (and shouldn't) speak for J, from my overall  perspective it does seem to make me happier. I know J certainly has enjoyed having her nails done, and her feet rubbed when she feels the desire, yet there still appears to be a level of resistance as she struggles to demand what she really wants.

I certainly feel more complete and happy when I'm serving J in a way that I know pleases her, and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't crave more; however, as we've learnt in the past, going slow, especially with lifestyle changes is the best way for us to go, and this journey so far has been no different. Ironically, as I mentioned above, J is still struggling with demanding what she really wants and desires, and to some degree is still tip-toeing around me instead of making her real wants and desire heard. It’s ironic, because I don’t think she fully comprehends that I really want to serve her needs, and in doing so make her life so much more pleasurable and happy. She has the opportunity to be treated like my Queen, and yet something seems to prevent her from reaching out and taking it. As it stands, while I would love to see J take a more controlling, strict, and demanding persona where I'm concerned (even if that means applying the hairbrush or paddle when bad attitude is encountered), I know I will just have to be happy when she asks me to give her a manicure, pedicure, foot rubs, massages, and opening car doors for her - in addition to keeping my behavior under control, which based on the last week or two is also something else that I think she may be letting slide a little too much.

What has surprised me more than anything so far, is how hard it has been to maintain consistency. I think J struggles with this a little more than I do, because she is 'vanilla' by nature, so all this DD and FLR type behavior isn't constantly at the forefront of her mind. I will admit to having a harder time understanding why she struggles so much with commanding what she really wants and desires, and I don’t know if it’s from years of being effectively subservient to my will, or because she really likes being subservient to me. I’m pretty sure it’s not the latter, because I know for a fact that she has often said that she is fed up with being treated that way, and who wouldn’t want their desires and needs to be met. Also, her natural demeanor is also one that's softer and kinder, so being demanding and strict doesn't come naturally to her; furthermore, as I mentioned above, she is also dealing with years of tip-toeing around me trying to keep me happy, because I've been fairly overbearing, controlling, and domineering for so long now; consequently, trying to reverse that mentality for her isn't an easy task, and it's very easy for her to slip back into that mentality of being controlled, and to some extent manipulated.

For me the problem is the complete reverese, and I'll openly admit to being controlling by nature; however, when I look back over our marriage, and the behavior that I've exhibited I don't like what I see. I've never been happy with how my dad dominates and disregards my mom, and it pains me when I see some of that in me. Above all else, that drives my desire to flip this around, and to some extent put J more in control; however, it really comes down to J picking up the gauntlet, because there is only so much that I can really do, and I can’t make her demand what she really wants – as much as I would like to be able to.

I've caught myself on a couple of occasions this week slipping into controlling and disrespectful/annoying behavior, but the difference now being that I seem to be able to spot it when it happens. This is also where the problem of consistency comes into play, because I see myself slip, and J gets that look in her eye which indicates to me that she sees the slip, but for the most part she has been letting it slide by - or worse, reverts back to trying to appease me, or make me happy even if it's not what she really wants. So instead of commanding and enforcing what she really wants, she ends up settling for something she doesn't really like or want. Honestly, as strange as it is, that’s the most frustrating thing so far, because the threat or application of a quick attitude adjustment with the paddle is all it would take to totally change that whole situation in her favor. In doing so I’m sure she would be more happy, less frustrated, more content, and have a husband that’s very compliant for the remainder of the day. As a result, frustration surfaces, because deep down I really do want to be more subservient to her, make her happier, and be more obedient to her wishes; however, I sometimes lack the right attitude, resolve, and willpower to see that through, and part of that comes from me being entrenched in my controlling ways. To some degree I know and openly want to be broken of those bad habits, but I also know that it requires proactive intervention on J’s part in the sense of her being stricter and less tolerant; however, that’s really out of my control, and I don’t want to make J into something that I desire, so it feels like a catch 22.

When I do look back at the moments when I struggle, and fall back into being a controlling jerk, a couple of things stand out the most. My biggest problem seems to be a result of J's method of asking, and it's something that I've brought up before, but seems to be worth repeating. I've noticed over the last week that more and more she ends up asking me to do something, as opposed to being told. This may sound like a trivial difference, but it not only has a huge impact upon my demeanor as I approach a task, but it also comes across as giving me an option even when it’s something she wants and would make her happy.

This morning was a classic example, the alarm went off and neither of us really moved, because neither one of us wanted to get up and take the little one to school. So, instead of telling me to get up, which is obviously what she wanted, she asked in such a way that I could have easily said no. Had I done that she probably would have gotten up and taken care of it herself, and left me to sleep in, which I know wouldn’t have made her happy; however, without wanting to belittle the point, I did get up and I will admit to doing so with a bit of an attitude, but it took a while to accept it as an act of obedience and willingness to serve her desire in order to make her happy. The point that I’m trying to make is that if she had told me I was to get up, then I would have most likely have complied readily and respectfully with a "Yes Ma'am." As the saying goes, it's not what you say, but how you say it. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.

That leads me to the consistency of obedience on my part, and I think that’s something that could do with being brought back into line. While I will admit to there being a level of sexual thrill from serving J, my primary motivation boils down to finally realizing how much of a disrespectful ass I’ve been all of these years. As such, I’m at a point where I just want to make J happy and see that she gets what she really wants and desires, instead of walking on eggshells around me trying to please me; however, my controlling side at times rears up in resistance, even though deep down I want nothing more than to serve and make her happy; furthermore, for the most part over the last week or two, there has been no consequence to that resistance. Instead of there being a quick attitude adjustment, even if it were just a couple of hard swats with the hairbrush to pull me back in line, J seems to be letting more and more slide by.

Granted, the last week or so has consumed us as a couple, both mentally and emotionally, in regards to the upcoming surgery next week. It’s also not for me to say that J hasn’t been making effective use of her available discipline measures, but I do think that part of my resurfacing control issues, disrespectful behaviors, and attitudes to various things would have decreased drastically if I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wouldn’t think twice about telling me to fetch the paddle to administer a quick no-nonsense reminder about obedience, compliance, and respect.

This is also probably the worst time for us to be dealing with all of this new lifestyle orientated stuff, because it will be curtailed by the surgery next week. On saying that, it will give us both a couple of weeks to think about aspects of FLR and DD in general, and that probably isn’t a bad thing. I think once the surgery is out of the way, and life can resume in a more normal capacity, then we can continue to progress down this road.

I did read a post on At all Times - (Look at this a different way), which I thought was really awesome. It also got me thinking that I’m approaching this all wrong, because it’s still very me centric on the subservient side. I will address that post more in my next post.