Ready To Hit The Reset Button!

I’m long overdue on making a blog post here, but for various reasons we seem to have hit some kind of roadblock or set back on the DD front - or at least it appears that way; however, as per usual it’s not quite as clean cut as that, because various comments from J this week seem to indicate that if I wasn’t sick and floating on Nyquil my ass would be well and truly blistered right now. So to some extent I’m getting a lot of mixed messages, and I’m not sure where we stand right now.

The short of it is that for a multitude of reasons, where both of us have been at fault, the last three weeks or so we haven’t really been connecting on and emotional level in our relationship. It’s clear that feelings have been hurt on both sides due to a variety of unrelated events, and that for the most part has caused us both to pull back emotionally. I’m guilty of letting myself wallow in negative feelings and letting them fester for so long, and to be blunt, J is guilty of tolerating and letting me get away with it. As a direct result it’s very evident that reoccurrences of bad habits, behaviors, disrespect, passive aggressive bullshit, and emotional manipulation on my part have all resurfaced. I think to some degree she seems to have lost that edge of disciplinary confidence, an edge that she had just started to take hold of prior to her surgery. Sitting here now I can honestly say that I miss that edge, and I hope that she reclaims back that authoritative demeanor very soon.

It would be easy for me to look back and start criticizing J, but that wouldn’t be fair – especially when I share an equal amount of guilt over where we are right now; however, it does seem fairly clear that so much of the bullshit, frustration, and unhappiness over the past three or so weeks could have been curtailed quickly had J just taken me in hand, and actively demonstrated that she wasn’t going to tolerate it anymore. That doesn’t mean she is solely to blame for where we now find ourselves, because I need to take ownership of my actions, attitudes, and behaviors which seem to have dragged this out for so long. All I can say at this point is that I’m ready to start over, because I don’t like where we are right now and this needs to stop. Hopefully we can learn from the last couple of weeks, and not allow it to happen again.

So, at this point it feels like we are at a definitive set of crossroads, where J has the opportunity to reflect and re-evaluate where she is in regards to DD, and also the implications behind that evaluation. I also think that the past couple of weeks have clearly demonstrated that, like marriage, DD isn’t going to be an easy road to travel. Clearly, in order for it to be effective and to work, it’s also going to take work and effort on both our parts. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you view it, at times that is also going to mean stepping outside of our comfort zones – but isn’t that what makes us grow?

Not Quite Back To Normal, Yet!

Well, it's been close to three weeks since J's surgery, and she is still in what I would consider to be recovery mode. Having said that, last week she removed any doubt from my mind that she could still wield a paddle if necessary, and gave me a quick taste to prove it. Admittedly, it was obvious to us both afterwards that I got off quite lightly, but that's fine given that I was more worried about J popping a stitch. Luckily for me she didn’t bring out the cane, and I say luckily because I’ve yet to experience it now that we’ve possibly pinpointed the flaw in her delivery technique. Something tells me the next caning from J will be a lot more severe.

Anyway, even though she says that she is feeling fine, I still find myself wanting to err on the side of caution - especially where any form of strenuous spanking activity is concerned. Granted, she has made a couple of comments this week to indicate that she thinks I'm long overdue a good hard spanking, but nothing has transpired. I'm hesitant to suggest that J has taken a step back in terms of authority and control, but the comments this week have been more passive than usual and it does make me wonder a little.

On saying all of that, we knew that the weeks after the surgery would possibly set us back a little where DD is concerned; however, her recovery is going well, and it does seem clear that J doesn't want to let go of the DD that we started to establish prior to surgery. This would be an ideal time for her to just let it all slide and forget about it, but based on the comments and hints that doesn’t seem to be the case. As strange as it is, I must admit I do miss her stricter, no-nonsense, Southern Belle demeanor that was starting to take shape prior to the surgery; however, I’m sure it will be back soon enough – at least I hope so.

We Take Too Much For Granted

I've said this before in the past, yet how soon we forget, but we take so much for granted in life. Why does it always take some major event to put things into a proper perspective, and focus our minds on what's really important in our lives. What bothers me more is that even when moments like that occur, they seem to be short lived for the most part. Life has a way of sweeping you back up and carrying you along, just like nothing ever really happened, which is when we find ourselves once more taking way too much for granted day to day.

For those that have been reading this blog, J had surgery last week, and it was the longest nine hours I've ever experienced in my life. That nine hours was filled with long periods of reflection, and the realization of how much she really means to me. Yes she's my wife, but again, I've taken a lot of who she is and what she does in our relationship for granted. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of being in a black holed limbo while the surgery was taking place, but it was to say the least an emotional rollercoaster that I hope to never experience again any time soon. Anyway, the surgery went smoothly, but took a few more hours than expected. She is now recovering, which is a process that will take at minimum three more weeks.

Which kind of brings me back to taking things for granted, because with J laid up it means that my butt will not be receiving any punishment for a while. We knew this was coming, but I didn't realize how much I would miss it, and yes as I type that I'm mentally cringing at the thought. Why would you miss something that hurts so much, and is a punishment? The only real answer that I can come up with is that it seems to bring me emotionally closer to J, which is something that I've discussed in the past. I don't really miss the pain, but I miss how it seems to re-center me, and draw me closer to J afterwards. A necessary evil if you like.

The other problem here is that my brain seems to have twigged onto the fact that my butt is pretty safe right now, and I've caught myself on a couple of occasions, for want of a better word, bratting and sassing J. I know that it's not something that I would do if she wasn't in recovery right now, because she would beat my buns black and blue for sure. Granted, I can hear the little voice in the back of my mind whispering a warning, to the effect of 'keep it up buddy, she'll be recovered soon enough, and she will roast your ass big time.'

Still not sure where J is on the FLR aspects that we meddled with a little prior to her surgery, but that twinkle in her eye and the tone of voice seems to indicate that she means to pick up where we left off - once she has recovered. It seems pretty clear that she intends to keep up with the DD side of our relationship, as for the rest we'll just have to see. I've had some more thoughts on the whole thing, but I'll save those for my next post.

She’s Still On Top Of Me!

Well it turns out that J had a maintenance spanking planned for Friday anyways, and after reading my earlier post her assertive attitude made an appearance. Just when I start to think that she’s slipping she seems to bring me back in line, so I guess I just need to have more faith in her. Not only did she tell me to present myself in the bedroom, but she also had me fetch and arrange her implements, strip naked, and then remain in position until she was ready to commence the punishment. That's the first time that she had really had me do any of those things, and the waiting in position felt like an eternity, which certainly prolonged the agony of knowing that the spanking was coming - especially when all implements had been laid out, and I knew that she had caught me letching at other women last weekend.

Inspired somewhat from my mermaid post, not to mention being irritated at me for looking at other women, and wanting to leave a lasting impression to tide me over for the next few weeks, she made sure that my butt was extremely well spanked. Even as I write this two days later, I can still feel a deeper bruising than I have before. I'm definitely a little sore, which comes as no surprise as she didn't hold back at all. That spanking was probably the most severe spanking to date, and while it certainly could have been worse, I know I'll still be feeling the after effects for a couple more days. I certainly had over one hundred strokes, just not with one implement, but a combination of the riding crop, yardstick, paddle, cane, and hairbrush. I dread the day when she elects to give me one hundred with each one!

On a side note, we think we might have pinpointed why her caning technique doesn't carry as much impact as it probably should. J has been using a pure wrist action to deliver the stroke, as opposed to pulling the arm back some, then bringing it forward with additional wrist action. She has yet to try the new delivery method, but I'm sure it won't be too long before my butt has some deeper cutting lines!

It still amazes me how such a severe spanking, which was very painful, can leave me feeling so emotionally connected to J afterwards. In the past I had always thought it rather strange that some people want to sincerely thank the spanker after a good thrashing, and while I still don't fully understand it, I can relate, because I feel that way when J has taken me in hand. I still don't want to be spanked if I can help it, but when she does it always seems to leave me in a far better place emotionally. It’s like all has been put right in my world, and while I’m sore and bruised I’m a lot happier for it.

Heading out of town tomorrow, and with J's surgery scheduled for Tuesday, not sure when my next post will occur. I might try and post odds and ends to take my mind off of things, but can't promise anything. Hopefully, I'll be back home next week, and J will be on her way to recovering so that she can keep me in line. As strange as it seems, I’ll miss her spanking me while she recovers.

Attitude and Consistency

Its been a number of weeks now since J introduced DD into our relationship, and from that other small and interesting changes have came about. I don't think that we will ever attain the status of a fully fledged FLR, and that's fine with us both; however, we seem to be adding small pieces of the FLR pie to our own buffet, and while I can't (and shouldn't) speak for J, from my overall  perspective it does seem to make me happier. I know J certainly has enjoyed having her nails done, and her feet rubbed when she feels the desire, yet there still appears to be a level of resistance as she struggles to demand what she really wants.

I certainly feel more complete and happy when I'm serving J in a way that I know pleases her, and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't crave more; however, as we've learnt in the past, going slow, especially with lifestyle changes is the best way for us to go, and this journey so far has been no different. Ironically, as I mentioned above, J is still struggling with demanding what she really wants and desires, and to some degree is still tip-toeing around me instead of making her real wants and desire heard. It’s ironic, because I don’t think she fully comprehends that I really want to serve her needs, and in doing so make her life so much more pleasurable and happy. She has the opportunity to be treated like my Queen, and yet something seems to prevent her from reaching out and taking it. As it stands, while I would love to see J take a more controlling, strict, and demanding persona where I'm concerned (even if that means applying the hairbrush or paddle when bad attitude is encountered), I know I will just have to be happy when she asks me to give her a manicure, pedicure, foot rubs, massages, and opening car doors for her - in addition to keeping my behavior under control, which based on the last week or two is also something else that I think she may be letting slide a little too much.

What has surprised me more than anything so far, is how hard it has been to maintain consistency. I think J struggles with this a little more than I do, because she is 'vanilla' by nature, so all this DD and FLR type behavior isn't constantly at the forefront of her mind. I will admit to having a harder time understanding why she struggles so much with commanding what she really wants and desires, and I don’t know if it’s from years of being effectively subservient to my will, or because she really likes being subservient to me. I’m pretty sure it’s not the latter, because I know for a fact that she has often said that she is fed up with being treated that way, and who wouldn’t want their desires and needs to be met. Also, her natural demeanor is also one that's softer and kinder, so being demanding and strict doesn't come naturally to her; furthermore, as I mentioned above, she is also dealing with years of tip-toeing around me trying to keep me happy, because I've been fairly overbearing, controlling, and domineering for so long now; consequently, trying to reverse that mentality for her isn't an easy task, and it's very easy for her to slip back into that mentality of being controlled, and to some extent manipulated.

For me the problem is the complete reverese, and I'll openly admit to being controlling by nature; however, when I look back over our marriage, and the behavior that I've exhibited I don't like what I see. I've never been happy with how my dad dominates and disregards my mom, and it pains me when I see some of that in me. Above all else, that drives my desire to flip this around, and to some extent put J more in control; however, it really comes down to J picking up the gauntlet, because there is only so much that I can really do, and I can’t make her demand what she really wants – as much as I would like to be able to.

I've caught myself on a couple of occasions this week slipping into controlling and disrespectful/annoying behavior, but the difference now being that I seem to be able to spot it when it happens. This is also where the problem of consistency comes into play, because I see myself slip, and J gets that look in her eye which indicates to me that she sees the slip, but for the most part she has been letting it slide by - or worse, reverts back to trying to appease me, or make me happy even if it's not what she really wants. So instead of commanding and enforcing what she really wants, she ends up settling for something she doesn't really like or want. Honestly, as strange as it is, that’s the most frustrating thing so far, because the threat or application of a quick attitude adjustment with the paddle is all it would take to totally change that whole situation in her favor. In doing so I’m sure she would be more happy, less frustrated, more content, and have a husband that’s very compliant for the remainder of the day. As a result, frustration surfaces, because deep down I really do want to be more subservient to her, make her happier, and be more obedient to her wishes; however, I sometimes lack the right attitude, resolve, and willpower to see that through, and part of that comes from me being entrenched in my controlling ways. To some degree I know and openly want to be broken of those bad habits, but I also know that it requires proactive intervention on J’s part in the sense of her being stricter and less tolerant; however, that’s really out of my control, and I don’t want to make J into something that I desire, so it feels like a catch 22.

When I do look back at the moments when I struggle, and fall back into being a controlling jerk, a couple of things stand out the most. My biggest problem seems to be a result of J's method of asking, and it's something that I've brought up before, but seems to be worth repeating. I've noticed over the last week that more and more she ends up asking me to do something, as opposed to being told. This may sound like a trivial difference, but it not only has a huge impact upon my demeanor as I approach a task, but it also comes across as giving me an option even when it’s something she wants and would make her happy.

This morning was a classic example, the alarm went off and neither of us really moved, because neither one of us wanted to get up and take the little one to school. So, instead of telling me to get up, which is obviously what she wanted, she asked in such a way that I could have easily said no. Had I done that she probably would have gotten up and taken care of it herself, and left me to sleep in, which I know wouldn’t have made her happy; however, without wanting to belittle the point, I did get up and I will admit to doing so with a bit of an attitude, but it took a while to accept it as an act of obedience and willingness to serve her desire in order to make her happy. The point that I’m trying to make is that if she had told me I was to get up, then I would have most likely have complied readily and respectfully with a "Yes Ma'am." As the saying goes, it's not what you say, but how you say it. I don’t know why that makes a difference, but it does.

That leads me to the consistency of obedience on my part, and I think that’s something that could do with being brought back into line. While I will admit to there being a level of sexual thrill from serving J, my primary motivation boils down to finally realizing how much of a disrespectful ass I’ve been all of these years. As such, I’m at a point where I just want to make J happy and see that she gets what she really wants and desires, instead of walking on eggshells around me trying to please me; however, my controlling side at times rears up in resistance, even though deep down I want nothing more than to serve and make her happy; furthermore, for the most part over the last week or two, there has been no consequence to that resistance. Instead of there being a quick attitude adjustment, even if it were just a couple of hard swats with the hairbrush to pull me back in line, J seems to be letting more and more slide by.

Granted, the last week or so has consumed us as a couple, both mentally and emotionally, in regards to the upcoming surgery next week. It’s also not for me to say that J hasn’t been making effective use of her available discipline measures, but I do think that part of my resurfacing control issues, disrespectful behaviors, and attitudes to various things would have decreased drastically if I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wouldn’t think twice about telling me to fetch the paddle to administer a quick no-nonsense reminder about obedience, compliance, and respect.

This is also probably the worst time for us to be dealing with all of this new lifestyle orientated stuff, because it will be curtailed by the surgery next week. On saying that, it will give us both a couple of weeks to think about aspects of FLR and DD in general, and that probably isn’t a bad thing. I think once the surgery is out of the way, and life can resume in a more normal capacity, then we can continue to progress down this road.

I did read a post on At all Times - (Look at this a different way), which I thought was really awesome. It also got me thinking that I’m approaching this all wrong, because it’s still very me centric on the subservient side. I will address that post more in my next post.

Damn Mermaids!!

Been a bit lax posting on the blog the last week or two, and that’s mainly been due to J’s surgery looming closer. On saying that, I want to make more of an effort on this blog, so I’ll do my best to post more frequently over the coming weeks.

I'm starting to think that my brain has developed a mermaid complex, because it seems to continually entice me with thoughts and fantiasies that sound appealing,  but In reality are just luring me into a world of pain. Not only would they be excrutiatingly painful, but they would also probably far exceed every possible pain threshold that I may have. There again, that's not saying much, because J only has to land a couple of real good swats with the paddle and I'm screaming like a litle girl, not that I'm proud to admit that.

So with a more rational side of my brain alert, active, and aware of the mermaids enticing call, why do these masochistic fantasies keep popping up? It really makes no sense, because I'm not exactly what I would call an adrenaline junkie, or am I? Has my brain become addicted to the release of adrenaline and endorphins, such that it feels the need to try and entrap me for it's next fix? I'm sure there are other chemical reactions involved, and I really should investigate this further, because it keeps cropping up as a curiosity.

My brains latest scheme of fiery doom came in the form of a challenge, and for some reason the fantasy sounds very alluring. So out of nowhere this thought pops into my brain, which went something like this:

"Hey, psst, over here," the image of a shady alluring mermaid in a back alley pops into view. "I have this idea for a personal challenge that would be totally awesome, but you probably don't have the fortitude and willpower to do it..."

"Oh really, bet I do, what is it," I retort with much bravado to myself.

"It's a one hundred stroke challenge, wouldn't it be really cool to be able to take one hundred strokes of the paddle and cane?"

"That does sound pretty challenging, so yeah it probably would be pretty awesome to attempt that," I replied, feeling the enticing and alluring gaze of the mermaid.

The mermaid just looked at me, batted her pretty eyelashes, and smirked at me trying hard not to giggle.

"Hey, hang on a moment, that would really hurt. I have a job staying in position with twenty swats yet alone one hundred."

"That's why it's called a challenge," the mermaid purred as it slinked back into the darkness of the alley from which it came.

So there it sits, the alluring fantasy packaged in a pretty box with an atractive ribbon, left at my feet by the sadistic mermaid as it made a hasty retreat to formulate its next idea for my butts fiery demise.

I don't know where the thought came from, or why it surfaced. I will also admit that at a personal acheivement, or even as a right of passage, the challenge does appeal to me; however, the more rational side of my brain is laughing at me, because it doesn’t think that I could get close to being able to take that level of punishment - at least not unrestrained anyway.

At this point I’m also wary about posting this in case J gets any ideas, because it would certainly fall into the severe punishment category. I’m pretty sure that I would have to do something pretty bad for her to snap and decide to dish a punishment like that out, and quite frankly I hope that day never comes. It certainly would be a good deterrent to hold over my head.

So yeah, the more I think about this the less I want J to see this post; however, I made a promise to remain emotionally honest about what I'm thinking and feeling, and I can feel the integrity string tugging at my coat tails, even though I know that this isn't good for my butt.

Anybody good at hunting and killing mermaids? I could probably supply a harpoon!

Skating on Thin Ice

Another week passes by, and for the curious among y’all, yes J did give me a second spanking last week about an hour or two after the first. I wouldn’t say that it was really severe, but it was certainly enough to get my attention. That was the first time that she had administered more than one spanking on the same day, and she definitely made sure that she felt that her point was heard loud and clear. Can’t say that I really want to experience that again any time soon, can’t think why!

This weekend we were out of town, because J is actually preparing for major surgery next week. Even though I think she would have been very justified in giving my butt a royal roasting after this weekend, I think we’re both pretty preoccupied emotionally and mentally with the upcoming surgery. While we’re both comfortable with the surgeon and the procedure, there is still that element of risk that’s inherent with any surgical procedure. We’re trying not to focus on that, but it lurks at the back on ones mind.

Anyway, I will admit that on a few occasions I caught myself pushing the boundaries of acceptable behavior, and at one point for the first time she actually turned around and told me to stop bratting. The tone and the look was enough to tell me that I was treading very dangerous ground, and it certainly pulled me back in line. She did catch my wandering eye one or two occasions, and for that she would have been very justified in administering a fairly severe spanking; however, that hasn’t happened, and I think the leniency is connected more with the surgery coming up than anything else.

She did allow me a sexual release this morning, and also took me over her knee for a more sensual spanking with the hairbrush. Granted by the end she was giving my butt a pretty good walloping, especially around the sit spot, but it was definitely a far cry from a punishment.

Personally, I just want next week to be over with, and even if it takes J a couple of weeks to recover, at least the surgery will be over with. Pretty sure that she won’t be spanking me much for the next couple of weeks, so I will have to put up more posts related to topics of interest surrounding FLR, and DD in general.