Staying In Position

As much as I would like to say that I can take a good spanking with grace and dignity, the truth is far from it. I have a very hard time staying in position, and to say that I’m a little on the vocal side would be an gross understatement – it’s actually quite embarrassing to my ego if truth be told, although J seems to find it slightly amusing.

For me personally it’s actually fairly frustrating and irritating, because I so desperately want to remain in place; however, the moment J starts landing those implements on my behind my resolve breaks down almost instantly, and before I know it I’m either standing up, wiggling around like an idiot, or putting my hands over my butt to try and delay the next inevitable painful thwack. Granted, J still manages to deliver an effective punishment spanking, but I have no doubt that it would be even more effective and painful without all of the delays and blocking that I throw at her.

Is this something that I can train myself to do, and if so then how? Before each spanking I delude myself into thinking that I will take it like a man, and then the next thing I know that man has packed his bags and is laughing at me as he runs out of the door. Sure, J could make a rule that she starts over if I get out of position, but if every fiber of my being is yelling at me to make it stop, how would that help? Is it a will power thing? If she kept starting over would it break me down enough to make me stay in position, or would it be the spanking that never ends? Honestly, I just don’t know if I could ever do it, even though I want to, because I clearly lack the necessary will power and fortitude to do so.

The obvious answer would be take the ‘choice’ of breaking position away from me altogether, and resort to using some form of restraint system. I would love to invest in some type of spanking bench, but that’s not really a viable option and not one that I think J would want to run with, which I guess just leaves cuffs and/or rope. I’m not really sure where J stands on that, and I haven’t really tried to find out. The thought of being immobilized, with no escape from the painful onslaught of J’s delivery, is quite honestly a scary one; however, another part of me (the insane crazy masochistic side) keeps reminding me that it’s meant to be painful, it’s meant to really hurt, and it’s a punishment – that side of me has a point I suppose, although I’m hesitant to acknowledge it!

Circle of Life

Well, November 5th 2011 was my last discipline related entry and experience, and while that’s a year and a half ago it certainly doesn’t feel like it – it’s actually kind of scary how fast time gets away from you the older you get.

Anyway, J (my wife) has decided to bring DD back into our marriage (obviously with my consent). We both agreed that we were closer, more intimate, and happier when DD was a part of our marriage, and the last year and a half without it has most definitely highlighted that. So here we are again, we’ve come full circle, although this time more aware of what we’re getting ourselves into!

Suffice to say, J kicked it off on Wednesday morning by reintroducing me to the wooden paddles that have been gathering dust, and delivered a short but very effective reminder of what I have been lacking over the last year and a half, and more importantly what is to come if I get out of line. She got her point across, and make no mistake about it, it was heard loud and clear on my end. There was no warm up, each swat that landed was hard and painful, and while the paddling was short and to the point, it was nonetheless very effective and well executed – it was very clear that she meant business and wanted to drive home a solid reminder. So here I sit two days later still bruised, granted not as sore as I was yesterday, yet emotionally happier than I have been in a long time.

I’ve actually missed blogging, especially on this topic, so I’m really hoping to bring this blog back to life. That’s my intention at least!

You never miss something until it’s gone!

Given that my last post was back in November of last year, and my oh my how time has flown, it seems fairly obvious that the DD side of our relationship has subsided. Honestly, I still don’t really know how or why it fizzled by the wayside like it did, and to some degree there is a part of me that still mourns the loss of it from our relationship. Having said that, there is also a part of me that is relieved as well, especially since J had become very adept at wielding her implements to very good effect.

Even though DD seems to have drifted by the wayside the thought of DD never seems to be far from my mind, and I don’t think that will ever change. The biggest irony there being that when DD was in effect I went out of my way to please her, and did my best to avoid receiving a punishment spanking at all costs. Now that the DD is no longer enforced I find that there are just some days when I seem to crave a dose of J’s disciplinary handiwork upon my rear end, and I long to wear her ‘marks’ once more. Given the choice, or even no choice (assuming J just told me it was going to happen), I would embrace DD back into our relationship with little to no hesitation. Having said that I think my stomach would churn and tie itself into small knots knowing that painful spankings were once again a real threat, and also at that point completely of my control regardless of whether I wanted one or not. It seems to be a very cruel irony, when a spanking was readily available I didn’t want one, but when taken away I seem to crave it!

The feeling of loss goes deeper than just the physical punishments, because I still feel that it ‘encouraged’ me to be a better husband and person. I will freely admit that I have lazy tendencies, and without accountability to somebody I let things slide. DD provided that sense of accountability for me, and I do miss that.

I’m not really sure what the future holds for us in terms of DD, if anything at all. J will occasionally threaten to get the paddle out if I irritate her too much, but nothing has happened since November – in short, I don’t think I will be holding my breath :)

I also miss blogging about DD, especially as it relates to me personally and within our relationship. If anything does change then I will start posting again on a regular basis.

It Burns! Run Forest, Run!

There are occasions where, for a variety of reasons, a spanking cannot be delivered. As such, we’ve been on the lookout for ‘silent’ remedies that can be applied, especially when louder and more conventional means are not a viable option.

Two such options that came up from research included capsaicin cream and ginger roots, which I’m sure comes as no surprise to the majority of readers. The capsaicin cream, which can be applied to either the buttocks, and/or for the more insane among us the nipples, can also be applied very quickly and efficiently. The application of the ginger root however, while certainly a quieter option than a traditional spanking, does appear to require a little more preparation time, and may also require a greater period of time be set aside in order to apply the treatment.

I’ve yet to be submitted to the ginger root, luckily the grocery store didn’t have any that J deemed suitable for her purposes; however, she did find, and purchased, the capsaicin cream that is pictured above. If your wife or partner start looking at this stuff, run, run as fast as humanly possible and don’t stop, don’t look back, just keep running – trust me!

As fate would have it, J didn’t have to wait long in order to request my presence in the bathroom. She applied a liberal dose of the cream, and was done in all of twenty or so seconds. To add insult to injury she also wore latex gloves, so I couldn’t even have the satisfaction of knowing that her hands and fingers were burning. My initial reaction was something like, well dang, this isn’t so bad; however, within two to three minutes it really ramped up, and OMG it burned, and it burned real bad. A few minutes in J started to feel a little bad for me, and told me that I could go remove it if I wanted. I practically ran to the bathroom. Newsflash, don’t bother trying, once it’s on it’s there to stay, and you have no choice but to let it run it’s course. Truth be told, I would rather have endured an very severe real spanking, because that stuff is plain nasty. If you sit down, it warms your butt, and increases the heat from the cream.

I’m beginning to really worry about her finding a suitable ginger root now, because that’s an internal burning sensation, and from all accounts is meant to be pretty intense. J did wonder if she could get a horseradish root, and use that instead, which I think is meant to be even worse. I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve unlocked J’s inner sadist.

She has also decided that she thinks that maintenance spankings will also be a very good idea, and as such has decided to use Monday mornings for that ritual event. For now, she also wants them to be a weekly occurrence, with additional sets being dished out on top of the maintenance to deal with issues that are outstanding, issues that require motivation, or issues where she thinks a suitable reminder is required.

Things are most definitely back on track, and she is adamant that she doesn’t want another repeat of October!

Sore, Bruised, but Very Happy!

Well dang, I can’t believe that it’s November already. To say the least my blogging last month was nothing short of abysmal, which wasn’t really my intention. Ironically, J and I both agree that had I made the effort to post at least once a week then October probably wouldn’t have deteriorated the way it did, at least in terms of the DD side of our marriage.

Determined to start November off in a more positive DD light, J administered what I can only describe as the most severe DD session that I’ve been given to date. Once again I prepared the punishment area for her, laid out her implements, striped naked, and had to wait in position until she was ready to administer the punishment. I don’t know how long I was in position for, or how many strokes/swats I was given, but it most definitely wasn’t a quick affair. It definitely felt long, and was most certainly very painful – as it should be, given that it was a punishment spanking. What I do know, is that she applied the discipline session on Tuesday, and here on Thursday I’m still extremely conscious of it’s application when I walk, sit, or move. I may well have skated through October, but rest assured she made sure that I paid in full for the spankings that I should have received.

J has also added three new implements to her growing arsenal, which came in the form of switches – one that’s thin and whippy, a medium thickness one, and a heavier one. Much to her delight, we have an almost unlimited supply of suitable trees, and as such they can provide her with a limitless supply of switches whenever she desires them, and in a variety of thicknesses to suit her needs. That was my first experience with a switch, and at first I didn’t think it would be that much different than my experiences with the cane. Well that was an incorrect assumption, especially with the thinner whippy switches. It’s also a very surreal experience going out to cut an implement that you know your going to be punished with, and yet it was also strangely arousing as well.

Anyway, the switches most definitely left their mark – especially the thinner whippier ones. She’s certainly getting her techniques down that’s for sure, and I can safely say that I’ve got some deep bruising from the paddling that she gave me.

That session was also the first time where I experienced a sense of complete submission, in the sense that I got to a point where I lost the desire to fight against the pain and just accept it. That was also a fairly surreal experience, more so because I knew I fully deserved what I was getting. Normally what J stops the punishment and tells me that I can get up, there is this overwhelming sense of relief that it’s finally over; however, in this case, while I was glad that the pain had finally stopped, there was a part of me that also felt strangely disappointed that it was over. I don’t know if that was connected to the fact that I had completely surrendered to the punishment, or if it’s because I was carrying so much guilt over from the past month. Either way, it’s not something that I’ve experienced before.

We’ve also started talking about me becoming more submissive in our relationship. As I’ve said before, we’ll never be what others deem as a complete and proper FLR – at least not by the conventional definitions; however, on a day to day level, acts of submission, acts of service, body worship, orgasm denial, and being made to wear her mark are all potentially on the table to some degree. So we’re still actively looking at establishing our own brand of FLR, or FLS as I prefer to call it (Female Led Submission).

As for the DD side, we’re re-evaluating the need for regular maintenance spankings. October made it very clear to us both that DD takes work on both of our parts, and if one of us slides, or slips into our old routines, then it’s easy for the whole thing to degenerate back into life as it was prior to introducing DD. It’s very clear that neither one of us wants that, and I’m actually glad. Anyway, with regular maintenance spankings that removes the possibility of that happening again, but we’ve yet to set anything in stone on that front. J is doing a lot of evaluating this week, in terms of what SHE wants, and if she decides that SHE wants to administer maintenance spankings then she will let me know how that will go down. We also need to talk about motivation, expectations, and review the list of rules.

So that’s pretty much where we are right now, but it feels like we’re starting to get back on track. J has pretty much recovered completely from her surgery that she had in September, but her energy levels are way down as a by product. I just need to be patient with her, but it’s clear that she wants DD in our marriage so that doubt in my mind has been calmed – she made that very clear on Tuesday!

Ready To Hit The Reset Button!

I’m long overdue on making a blog post here, but for various reasons we seem to have hit some kind of roadblock or set back on the DD front - or at least it appears that way; however, as per usual it’s not quite as clean cut as that, because various comments from J this week seem to indicate that if I wasn’t sick and floating on Nyquil my ass would be well and truly blistered right now. So to some extent I’m getting a lot of mixed messages, and I’m not sure where we stand right now.

The short of it is that for a multitude of reasons, where both of us have been at fault, the last three weeks or so we haven’t really been connecting on and emotional level in our relationship. It’s clear that feelings have been hurt on both sides due to a variety of unrelated events, and that for the most part has caused us both to pull back emotionally. I’m guilty of letting myself wallow in negative feelings and letting them fester for so long, and to be blunt, J is guilty of tolerating and letting me get away with it. As a direct result it’s very evident that reoccurrences of bad habits, behaviors, disrespect, passive aggressive bullshit, and emotional manipulation on my part have all resurfaced. I think to some degree she seems to have lost that edge of disciplinary confidence, an edge that she had just started to take hold of prior to her surgery. Sitting here now I can honestly say that I miss that edge, and I hope that she reclaims back that authoritative demeanor very soon.

It would be easy for me to look back and start criticizing J, but that wouldn’t be fair – especially when I share an equal amount of guilt over where we are right now; however, it does seem fairly clear that so much of the bullshit, frustration, and unhappiness over the past three or so weeks could have been curtailed quickly had J just taken me in hand, and actively demonstrated that she wasn’t going to tolerate it anymore. That doesn’t mean she is solely to blame for where we now find ourselves, because I need to take ownership of my actions, attitudes, and behaviors which seem to have dragged this out for so long. All I can say at this point is that I’m ready to start over, because I don’t like where we are right now and this needs to stop. Hopefully we can learn from the last couple of weeks, and not allow it to happen again.

So, at this point it feels like we are at a definitive set of crossroads, where J has the opportunity to reflect and re-evaluate where she is in regards to DD, and also the implications behind that evaluation. I also think that the past couple of weeks have clearly demonstrated that, like marriage, DD isn’t going to be an easy road to travel. Clearly, in order for it to be effective and to work, it’s also going to take work and effort on both our parts. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you view it, at times that is also going to mean stepping outside of our comfort zones – but isn’t that what makes us grow?

Not Quite Back To Normal, Yet!

Well, it's been close to three weeks since J's surgery, and she is still in what I would consider to be recovery mode. Having said that, last week she removed any doubt from my mind that she could still wield a paddle if necessary, and gave me a quick taste to prove it. Admittedly, it was obvious to us both afterwards that I got off quite lightly, but that's fine given that I was more worried about J popping a stitch. Luckily for me she didn’t bring out the cane, and I say luckily because I’ve yet to experience it now that we’ve possibly pinpointed the flaw in her delivery technique. Something tells me the next caning from J will be a lot more severe.

Anyway, even though she says that she is feeling fine, I still find myself wanting to err on the side of caution - especially where any form of strenuous spanking activity is concerned. Granted, she has made a couple of comments this week to indicate that she thinks I'm long overdue a good hard spanking, but nothing has transpired. I'm hesitant to suggest that J has taken a step back in terms of authority and control, but the comments this week have been more passive than usual and it does make me wonder a little.

On saying all of that, we knew that the weeks after the surgery would possibly set us back a little where DD is concerned; however, her recovery is going well, and it does seem clear that J doesn't want to let go of the DD that we started to establish prior to surgery. This would be an ideal time for her to just let it all slide and forget about it, but based on the comments and hints that doesn’t seem to be the case. As strange as it is, I must admit I do miss her stricter, no-nonsense, Southern Belle demeanor that was starting to take shape prior to the surgery; however, I’m sure it will be back soon enough – at least I hope so.